A Different Look at Goals
I just finished Finding Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and had a few thoughts about it in regards to social anxiety. For this post, I’m interested in how the book suggests that satisfaction with life comes from a well balanced combination of goals, challenges and successes.
If you have no goals, or set easily achieved goals, you’ll experience no sense of challenge and therefore find your life stagnating. But if you set impossibly high goals you’ll find that you feel worse and worse about yourself as you continually fail to meet them.
November 22nd, 2006 by Aaron
Social Anxiety and the Holidays
It’s that time of the year: the holidays. They mean different things to different people, but how about for us with social anxiety? I enjoy the holidays, family neuroses and all, but I notice that I can struggle a bit when I go home to visit family. Familiarity and routine is comforting to me. Although I obviously know my family well, I don’t spend much time with them because I live so far away. Switching up my environment and being around people I have not seen in a while has the potential to make me a bit anxious, on edge. I end up feeling more pressure to find something specific to talk about it. Also, Aimee’ and I are only children and have more attention put on us, particularly since we aren’t around very much. Of course there’s a lot of great things about holidays, but that’s some of the stuff that comes with having social anxiety for me. Also, this is the first time in four years that I’ll be home for Thanksgiving! I’ve always had to work:)
How are the holidays for you?
November 20th, 2006 by Ryan Oelke
Social Anxiety Poll: Therapuetic Approaches
I thought I would try something new today, polling. The question for this post is, what form of therapy have you used in dealing with social anxiety? Now, yes, it’s likely that some of us have used more than one form of therapy, but the poll won’t allow multiple selections:) Also, group therapy is very common, but it is more a technique than a theory. In other words, group therapy can be used with many therapeutic approaches.
In addition to the question, feel free to share your experiences with the particular form(s) of therapy you have used. Or if you have wonderings about any of the approaches, post them as well, and everyone can share their insight.
November 13th, 2006 by Ryan Oelke
Internal and External
I have been rereading Nathanial Branden’s book The Art of Living Consciously recently and came across a passage that is very relevant to those of us with social anxieties. Dr. Branden is discussing a client of his that was having trouble with social events she had been attending. Basically her shyness and social anxiety was causing her a lot of problems during parties that she was attending with her boyfriend.
Dr. Branden proposes an experiment that deals with where we focus our attention and energy during events that bring on the social anxiety. From the book:
“I proposed that we conduct an experiment. I pointed out that one more social disappointment wouldn’t really make that much difference, and there was a chance something unexpected might happen and something valuable might be learned if she would be willing to do what I suggested.
From the moment you walk into the party, I said, I’d like you to concentrate on noticing how much you can see and hear. Notice in detail what people are wearing. Notice the furniture and decorations in the room. Pay attention to the tone of voice in which people speak. Try to hear every word said in your presence. Aggress on the environment with your senses.”
His client tried this technique and at their next session was very excited at how much it helped. She noticed that focusing externally helped to bring about a calming effect within her. She felt much more present and was able to pay attention. In the past, I have attended many a social event and can hardly remember anything that was said. I would be so focused internally with all kinds of automatic negative thoughts and anxiety that I could not concentrate and pay attention. My focus was internally and on getting out of the situation.
I have tried to focus more externally at times and it does seem to help. Bringing more mindfulness to any situation and reminding yourself to come back to the moment is one way to do that. Sometimes I just silently say, “come back” and refocus – much like I do when I meditate. I think this also relates to being more proactive versus reactive (easier said than done many times) in social situations like I talked about in a previous post.
Dr. Branden goes on to explain:
“Only then did I explain that when we are frightened, we typically pull energy in to our center, seeing less, hearing less – shrinking consciousness precisely when we need to expand it. The purpose of her assignment at the party was to keep her energy flowing outward, because if she did, consciousness would triumph over fear, as it did.”
Consciousness over fear – a wonderful way to describe the challenge of social anxiety.
Has anyone out there noticed this affect of drawing your energy inward and has anyone been able to focus externally more in a situation to reduce social anxiety?
November 10th, 2006 by dashh
Goals Become Burdens
I have a problem wherein I often turn positive goals into burdens that I wind up resenting. And so the things I most want to do become the things I have the most trouble with.
It’s because I get hooked into worrying about what I should be doing. If I want to have a normal life, if I want to get myself on track, if I want to make myself over into something acceptable, I should be doing this, that and the other (my goals, in other words). Each moment I am not I am slipping farther behind.
November 9th, 2006 by Aaron
Replacing Defense Mechanisms (and Other Anxiety Quirks)
After commenting on Aaron’s post, “It’s Only Life“, I thought I’d elaborate what I said in this post. When we become aware of our defense mechanisms, avoidance behaviors, irrational thought patterns, and in general, our “anxiety quirks”, it’s natural to want to stop them. However, I believe we must be cautious in doing so because we not only need to stop them but develop healthier habits to replace them. All our psychological quirks serve various purposes, but in sum they keep us together in the healthiest way possible.
November 6th, 2006 by Ryan Oelke
How I Progress
Triggered by my last post, and Ryan’s insightful comment to it, I’ve remembered a few tricks that have really helped me in the past but that I seem to have lost touch with lately.
The first is a mantra: slow and steady progress.
November 2nd, 2006 by Aaron
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