Anxious Living » Ryan

Dealing with Social Anxiety One Technique at a Time

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 20:58:52 +0000

One challenge that I have continually faced in dealing with social anxiety is finding consistent time to devote to techniques, journaling, and reflecting. Of course, I regularly deal with social anxiety in my life and so I am working on things in the midst of life, but I have found that social anxiety really does take giving specific time to simply pause and reflect. Finding the time to do that has been difficult for me. School, work, projects, relationships, and so on end up taking priority. Also, I have other practices too, exercise and spiritual specifically. This semester – I tend to mark periods of time in semesters, professional student you know:P – I am focusing on one technique and one technique only: 15 minutes a day of slow talk is my goal. Small, achievable, and effective. Too often I would get frustrated with my lack of consistency that I would just give up altogether. In reality, I was setting too high of expectations for myself. I’m hoping that setting a smaller goal and focusing on only technique will really help me in my life. I chose slow talk because, as Shawn said, like many folks with SAD I talk very fast and at times it really feeds into my anxiety. On the other hand, speaking slowly makes me feel much more relaxed and less anxious. When I speak fast there’s more of a chance of me saying something or speaking in a manner that makes me more anxious. Whereas when I speak more slowly I feel more confident. So, I’ll see where this leads and be sure to share with you.

What has your experience been like in working with social anxiety admist the busyiness of life?

Social Anxiety and the Holidays

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 11:00:21 +0000

It’s that time of the year: the holidays. They mean different things to different people, but how about for us with social anxiety? I enjoy the holidays, family neuroses and all, but I notice that I can struggle a bit when I go home to visit family. Familiarity and routine is comforting to me. Although I obviously know my family well, I don’t spend much time with them because I live so far away. Switching up my environment and being around people I have not seen in a while has the potential to make me a bit anxious, on edge. I end up feeling more pressure to find something specific to talk about it. Also, Aimee’ and I are only children and have more attention put on us, particularly since we aren’t around very much. Of course there’s a lot of great things about holidays, but that’s some of the stuff that comes with having social anxiety for me. Also, this is the first time in four years that I’ll be home for Thanksgiving! I’ve always had to work:)

How are the holidays for you?

Social Anxiety Poll: Therapuetic Approaches

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 11:00:24 +0000

I thought I would try something new today, polling. The question for this post is, what form of therapy have you used in dealing with social anxiety? Now, yes, it’s likely that some of us have used more than one form of therapy, but the poll won’t allow multiple selections:) Also, group therapy is very common, but it is more a technique than a theory. In other words, group therapy can be used with many therapeutic approaches.

In addition to the question, feel free to share your experiences with the particular form(s) of therapy you have used. Or if you have wonderings about any of the approaches, post them as well, and everyone can share their insight.

What form of therapy have you used in dealing with social anxiety?

Replacing Defense Mechanisms (and Other Anxiety Quirks)

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 11:29:18 +0000

After commenting on Aaron’s post, “It’s Only Life“, I thought I’d elaborate what I said in this post. When we become aware of our defense mechanisms, avoidance behaviors, irrational thought patterns, and in general, our “anxiety quirks”, it’s natural to want to stop them. However, I believe we must be cautious in doing so because we not only need to stop them but develop healthier habits to replace them. All our psychological quirks serve various purposes, but in sum they keep us together in the healthiest way possible.

That’s the beauty of our body-mind: it will try it’s hardest to hold everything together and keep us moving, no matter what. So, while we may look at these quirks with frustration and dislike, they are helping us. The problem is that they have also solidified and are obstacles to enjoying life at a higher level than is currently possible and so we must investigate them, change, and create healthier ways of being. Should we simply try to “stop our quirks”, first off we probably won’t succeed because, as I’ve said, they are serving a purpose and your psyche will take care of you by keeping them in place, and this will simply leave us feeling discouraged. Secondly, and most importantly, when these are not in place the causes of them still are. In other words, you may stop an avoidance behavior but your fear is still present. What will happen then? Besides probably feeling even more anxious we will simply develop another quirk. Instead we must simultaneously work on stopping these quirks, understand how they arise, and develop healthier habits.

As an example, rather than stopping the avoidance behavior of not attending a social gathering I push myself to go, but still I have the fear of what may happen at the event, which is fueled by an irrational thought pattern, “I will do something stupid and people will think I’m weird.” And maybe I even force myself to be a “social butterfly” rather than my normal behavior which is to avoid conversation. But given that I still have that thought pattern and I have not created any different way of approaching these situations I am almost certain to experience disappointment and anxiety. But, an alternative is to realize that I have this thought pattern, to challenge and examine it, and to develop a more accurate thought, and based on that I attend the event with a new understanding and behavior supported by that understanding. Even better would be to have a way to process things afterwards, say if I do experience anxiety. This is a much healthier and ultimately successful approach then simply “stopping a behavior”.

Social Anxiety and the Physical Environment

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 11:00:33 +0000

Last week I shared a little exercise I thought of to help differentiate which preferences are personal and which are due to social anxiety. In other words, some of our choices and decisions are our own and some serve our social anxiety. This week I thought I would give an example using the physical environment, meaning the different types of physical contexts we find ourselves in.

Two aspects of physical environments that I take note of are the size of the room and how many people are there. For me this comes up specifically in my educational experiences. Personally, I prefer small classes in small rooms because of the intimacy it affords the learning experience. As for my social anxiety, it prefers large classrooms and lots of people so that I can get lost in the mix, and so I feel “safer”.
Even though I truly prefer small classes, I experience more anxiety in them and if weren’t aware of this I might avoid them completely and miss out on wonderful opportunities, plus I’d put myself in situations that I really don’t like (big classes). So, with this awareness I instead am trying to focus on what’s happening for me when I get anxious in those small classes and go from there. Of course this would change if I were giving a presentation in which case my personal preferences don’t change, but I would most certainly avoid the large class. So, we have to be cautious of how it is we are making our choices and acting.

This is just one example. And even with the physical environment there are many other factors such as lighting, colors, smells, etc. The point is simply to look at your life and develop a strong awareness of what you really want and see how you might be avoiding that, and then to generate the courage to find out what is behind all of that.

What are your preferences for physical environments? What other areas of life do you notice discrepancies between your personal preferences and your social anxiety preferences?

Personal Preferences vs. Social Anxiety Preferences

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 11:00:48 +0000

Here’s an exercise that I thought of, one that might help you differentiate what preferences are your personality, or related to your typology, and which are solely due to your experience of social anxiety, habits you’ve built over time. In my post on typology I suggested that over many years we can develop a confusion about what is us and what is your social anxiety alter ego, which causes us existential frustration and further anxiety.

One way to explore this is to take a piece of paper and on the left side, list vertically different areas and aspects of life, such as social gatherings, hobbies, physical environment, interests, etc. Divide the paper into two columns, labeling one “Personal Preferences” and the other “Social Anxiety Preferences”. In the personal column describe what is ideal from your own preferences, free from anxiety. In the social anxiety column describe what your anxiety wants in respect to those different areas of life. Take note of the differences and similarities between the two columns, your personal preferences and what you do when you are social anxious.

What realizations and feelings arise when you compare the two? What other areas could be listed?

Insulating Effect of Established Relationships

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 23:17:36 +0000

It’s not news to say that those with social anxiety have difficulty and/or avoid starting relationships, but I believe this is even more pronounced when a person has one or more established relationships, whether that is an intimate relationship or a close friendship. The effect is a comfortable insulation from the anxieties of forming new and potentially meaningful relationships. I have noticed this in myself, in that if I have few satisfying relationships, I tend not to push myself to start new ones, even if I am truly interested. It’s certainly possible that a socially anxious person without relationships can be exteremely debilitating, but I also think that the relationships we do have can easily trick us into avoidance and deceptive contentment.

What has been your experience with this? What sort of feelings do you experience? Have you challenged yourself to change this tendency? If so, what methods do you find helpful?