Anxious Living » Motivation

Replacing Defense Mechanisms (and Other Anxiety Quirks)

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 11:29:18 +0000

After commenting on Aaron’s post, “It’s Only Life“, I thought I’d elaborate what I said in this post. When we become aware of our defense mechanisms, avoidance behaviors, irrational thought patterns, and in general, our “anxiety quirks”, it’s natural to want to stop them. However, I believe we must be cautious in doing so because we not only need to stop them but develop healthier habits to replace them. All our psychological quirks serve various purposes, but in sum they keep us together in the healthiest way possible.

That’s the beauty of our body-mind: it will try it’s hardest to hold everything together and keep us moving, no matter what. So, while we may look at these quirks with frustration and dislike, they are helping us. The problem is that they have also solidified and are obstacles to enjoying life at a higher level than is currently possible and so we must investigate them, change, and create healthier ways of being. Should we simply try to “stop our quirks”, first off we probably won’t succeed because, as I’ve said, they are serving a purpose and your psyche will take care of you by keeping them in place, and this will simply leave us feeling discouraged. Secondly, and most importantly, when these are not in place the causes of them still are. In other words, you may stop an avoidance behavior but your fear is still present. What will happen then? Besides probably feeling even more anxious we will simply develop another quirk. Instead we must simultaneously work on stopping these quirks, understand how they arise, and develop healthier habits.

As an example, rather than stopping the avoidance behavior of not attending a social gathering I push myself to go, but still I have the fear of what may happen at the event, which is fueled by an irrational thought pattern, “I will do something stupid and people will think I’m weird.” And maybe I even force myself to be a “social butterfly” rather than my normal behavior which is to avoid conversation. But given that I still have that thought pattern and I have not created any different way of approaching these situations I am almost certain to experience disappointment and anxiety. But, an alternative is to realize that I have this thought pattern, to challenge and examine it, and to develop a more accurate thought, and based on that I attend the event with a new understanding and behavior supported by that understanding. Even better would be to have a way to process things afterwards, say if I do experience anxiety. This is a much healthier and ultimately successful approach then simply “stopping a behavior”.

Existential Congruency and Social Anxiety

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 11 Sep 2006 22:17:12 +0000

William’s post, “Social Anxiety in a Public Job“, reminded me of my own similar struggles with working in residence life, a profession involving a great deal of socializing. I responded in much the same way he did, which was to be an actor of sorts, and as with William it left me feeling very drained. It was even more pronounced as I could not easily separate the job and my personal life as the position of a residence hall director is not a 9-5 job, and for three out of the four years I lived right where I worked, in the hall.

Something I’ve noticed and became even more aware of in reading William’s post is that working in residence life was not a perfect fit for me, which affected my social anxiety. It’s clear, on the other hand, that William is very much passionate in being a fitness trainer and I wonder if his existential congruency, if I could call it that, is helpful for him in working with social anxiety. I believe that my choice to go back to school and to leave the position of hall director gives me energy to work with my social anxiety because I am now living more congruently with my values and vision, with who I am, not partially as was the case with the hall director position.

In other words, does living incongruently with our vision and purpose compound social anxiety? I believe it does. I believe what we are doing with our lives – our actions, our jobs, our decisions – existentially speaking, has to impact how we experience and deal with social anxiety, for example encouraging us to face our problems or make the SAD walls a little thicker. Perhaps I need to expound on what I mean, but I leave it at this for now.
What are your thoughts on existential congruency and social anxiety?

For a little more on what I mean by existential congruency, check out my post on Time Yoga and Creating Your Vision Statement.

Deception of Plateauing in Social Anxiety

Ryan Oelke — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 23:44:42 +0000

I’ve yet to overcome social anxiety completely, far from it. Yet, I have progressed a great deal and have reached a plateau where I generally experience anxiety around a 1-5 range, on a scale of 10, 99% of the time. However, in the last year I haven’t really been put into major situations that would really fire up my anxiety, but I am experiencing a lower level of anxiety in every day life.
The problem is that all of this is very deceptive. I have become a bit complacent in really challenging myself to practice simply because I have reached a comfortable “enough” space. Yet, I notice plenty the anxiety I do experience which still very much interferes with activities and relationships, just less intensely. The Social Anxiety Workbook makes a point of encouraging you to set simple yet very concrete goals, and to regularly do “homework” (practice, or whatever you’d like to call it). I’m very much a believer that you must do something consciously in order to realize change, regardless of what the change is about. Otherwise, it’s a hit-and-miss, which most likely means you’ll simply stay where you are with SAD. So, I’m a bit stuck in my motivation. In the past, I had much more high intensity triggers to push me to realize change, but that’s not always the best time to work on SAD. Better is to practice when things are not so anxious, but it’s so easy for me to do nothing.

Have you experienced something similar in working with SAD? What have you done to move beyond plateaus?