But when I started to talk about SAD, when I started a journal to examine my history and record incidences, something shifted. I realized I was not dealing with isolated anxious moments but a constant presence. I began to feel overwhelmed.

I began to see just how much anxiety I have, how often I am avoiding situations and people. I saw how much of my life has been curtailed, how many of my ideas about myself and other people are seen through a prism of SAD.

Realizing the extent of my anxiety was causing me anxiety. It was a feedback loop.

I realized that even if I could push through one situation or get comfortable with one particular set of people, when faced with something new I was just going to have to go through it again. It made me want to be around people even less. It made me want to avoid things even more and never push through.

And it got stronger still. I was anxious all the time. It was an unrelenting background hum. And not only was it always present, now I saw that it always had been. I’d just been refusing to fully acknowledge it. This thing, this anxiety, this disorder, is a massive part of who I am. It is why I have always had jobs I am overqualified for, why I’ve had so many troubles with relationships, why I have not gotten nearly as far in life as I had once hoped or thought I would. It is an anchor.

That was difficult to accept. I didn’t want so much of my life to be about anxiety.

And the people I told about SAD could see how talking about it was making it worse. I couldn’t try to explain it without it flaring up.

I was overwhelmed.

But these conversations, one in particular with a fellow sufferer, were eventually what brought my overwhelm under control. And it has made me believe it is vitally important to keep talking.

Because no matter how overwhelmed I was feeling, I kept up the conversations.

The act of talking about SAD, even as that act freaks you out, is a major step forward. It feels like the beginning of really learning how to push through SAD, instead of learning to push through each instance. My SAD screams at me to stop telling people about it, and as I continue to talk, and send emails to a fellow sufferer, and tell a handful of people things I have never told anyone, I am continually learning to press on despite that screaming.

The acts of talking about SAD, writing about SAD, and describing the internal landscape of SAD are all acts of pushing through. Each is a small victory over the voice that tells you to shut up.

I then applied to physical therapy school and was accepted at Duke. I had made some great progress in therapy and was able to get through the interviews on campus quite well. The program required me to move away from my hometown, which was a great challenge and great exposure for my social anxiety issues. Unfortunately I did not continue therapy after I moved and after a year of school the stress, anxiety and depression set in once again. The program was pretty grueling with classes from 8 – 5 and then homework, reading, clinicals, you name it. There was a lot of patient contact and lots of “performing” in many of the classes that kept me in a state of ongoing anxiety. Classes required participation, presentations, etc. which of course added further social anxiety pressures to the mix. At the beginning of the semester I was elected Treasurer of the class, but during the year became paralyzed with fear and anxiety of the role and the responsibilities it required. In a nutshell I was a mess. I also was finding out that both professionally and financially the program was not for me so all of that combined drove my decision to leave the program. I disclosed my issues of social anxiety to my advisor and they were more than willing to help me deal with it in classes and clinicals (which I am very thankful for), but in the end I felt I made the right decision to withdraw at that time.

I was at a very low point and the suffering was very great at this time in my life. I started visiting the Social Anxiety Support (SAS) web site forum and participating in an online class where we went through a great book which I highly recommend called The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook by Antony and Swinson. At this time I also began a journey into spiritual practice and discovery – especially in terms of Buddhist teachings and meditation, which I continue to this day. I then found a local social anxiety support group and another therapist, both of which have helped me tremendously the past few years.

I still struggle and find myself taking steps back but the hold and identification with the anxiety and depression has ever so gradually lessened over time. The one common denominator that I will say that helps is practice…whether it be CBT, behavior/exposure exercises, relaxation techniques, meditation or whatever else the bottom line is you have to put the effort and commit to practice. With time you will experience the changes and transformations necessary to move past the suffering of social anxiety disorder. You will be able to do things you have always wanted to but just couldn’t in the past. It can happen with persistence and effort. I still have many goals and issues to deal with when it comes to my social anxiety, but I feel the steps forward I have made can be realized by any one of you out there suffering. May you be healthy and peaceful on your own path to freedom from fear.

I have called myself socially awkward, introverted, nervous.

I have long listened to an internal voice, asking, “What will people think of you?” It reminds me not to stand out and never to risk looking foolish.

Sometimes I might think I want to speak up. It could be during a class or any kind of group discussion. I rehearse what I will say over and over, feeling tightness build in my chest, feeling my breathing get shallow. Sometimes I sweat. Sometimes my nose goes numb. Usually, I never get around to asking the question. But I burn with a wish that I could.

I’m frequently unable to attend parties or other social occasions unless I know there will be someone I can stick close to. Only this makes me feel a little pathetic. I fear people will wonder why I am so strangely attached to one person. Even worse are the times when that person eludes me and I find myself standing in a crowded room, talking to no one, holding a drink. Wanting to escape, but fearing that my escape will be noticed. Wanting to escape, but also desperately wanting to be able to walk up to someone and start a simple conversation and enjoy what everyone else is there to enjoy.

I live in fear of disappointing people, convinced that one screwed up encounter will turn them against me. I dread saying the wrong thing. I am jumble of fumbled sentiments around anyone that I admire and wish I could know better.

Shopping in a busy store makes me agitated. Having to find a seat in a crowded theater touches a nerve.

I have often felt that if I did not get my act together I could never be happy or have a normal life.

And while I have seen people behaving in ways that made me think they must be feeling some of the same things I do, I have also never gotten over the ingrained idea that the only difference between me and most people is that I am doing a really bad job of dealing with my fears.

I have always thought those things listed above were personal failings. And I have a always believed they must be visible to all who interact with me. Realizing that they are symptoms of social anxiety has finally begun a process of learning to deal with them constructively.

I can breathe easier, knowing they might not be flashing signs alerting all to my ineptitude. I can stop searching for stories to tell myself about why other people often make me so uncomfortable. And I can be a touch less judgmental about my own behaviors.

Social anxiety is not always noticeable from the outside. There’s a lot of truth in that for me. Given my work and educational experiences, and personal interactions and relationships with co-workers and friends, it’s interesting that most have no idea I struggle with social anxiety and wouldn’t unless I told them. A few might have some idea that I’m a little “shy”, but most tend to think I’m a sociable guy who is also a bit of a recluse, a very reflective type of person. That’s true, but it’s not the whole picture. No where near.

Social anxiety is like background noise in my life, some times almost inaudible, and at others screaming so loud I can’t think or see straight. The low intensity times I’ve gotten so accustomed to that it’s just “normal”, but when I think about it, it’s obvious and I wish it were different. Going to the grocery store or shopping, making personal calls to businesses, ordering takeout, are examples. No major problems, but there is a very subtle uncomfortableness.

When my anxiety is screaming, I’m almost incapacitated. Those times are more rare, but they do happen. My counseling practicum experience in graduate school was one of those times. Our class was very small and we were being pushed in a very personal, but appropriate way, in working with our clients, in trying to become more effective therapists.

Everything about it was terrifying for me: small group, vulnerability around emotions, perceived performance situation, criticism, and confrontation. To top it off, this is a group of people trained to be sensitive to emotions in others, and I absolutely do not want them to see my social anxiety. Every class was completely draining and filled with anxiety. A big part of me wanted to run far away and crawl in a hole. In one sense the experience most likely led to me realizing and understanding that I was experiencing was social anxiety.

I have a hard time confronting people or being disagreeable, especially when it’s more directly personal. It’s not that I never confront or disagree – I do avoid plenty, though – but that when I do, the whole process is filled with fear and anxiety, the thought that I’ll be rejected, or that my ideas will be considered unworthy, less than. I worry about saying things just the right way, hoping to avoid any anticipated embarrassment or misunderstandings. I spend a great deal of time rehearsing in my head, which happens with all situations regarding my social anxiety.

The more intense my social anxiety, the more I worry that others see that in me, and that they will label it weird, weak, or abnormal, and in the end I will be rejected. This creates a pattern for me where I will try and avoid engaging the situation, which is particularly true when I meet someone for the first time – and I want them to like me – and when I’m in a large group, especially if I don’t know anyone. Avoiding for me could mean not going, or holding back tremendously about myself, being very reserved, and the whole time being on edge, anxiously trying to censor myself.

Making new friends is pretty difficult for me, though I’ve made great strides over the last year. The beginning of the relationship is where I struggle. It’s so hard for me to open myself up to the other person for fear of being rejected or saying something stupid. I’m so concerned about those two things that I am never simply me, which makes it difficult for the other person to get to know me. All of that results in either the relationship never even getting off the ground or never deepening. Not making friends like this tends to lower my confidence, which simply feeds back into the anxiety.

Lastly, social anxiety impedes upon my abilities to pursue my passions. With anything I’ve ever done, I always take, in part, the role of others and anticipating how they perceive me. I’ve always done well at whatever I undertake and I have strong motivation to succeed for the love of what I’m doing and for it’s own sake. The problem is that social anxiety brings hesitation into the picture, holding me back at times from pursuing life to its fullest, or if I do, the process is tainted with fear.

After graduating with my master’s I finally realized and understood that I struggle with social anxiety, even though I’ve always “known”. I picked up the Social Anxiety Workbook and did several sessions in a brief period of time with a graduate student who was in practicum. So much power and relief came from simply understanding what the hell was going on for me, normalizing it because I was/am not alone, hope because there was a way to work with and overcome social anxiety.

Introductions

This week each of of us will introduce ourselves in individual posts, letting you know a little about our experiences with social anxiety. Please feel free to introduce yourself to us and to fellow readers in the comment section.

Social Anxiety Resources

We hope that Anxious Living connects readers to valuable resources, as well as to other social anxiety blogs. At the top of this site you’ll see a horizontal menu with links to other pages within this site. Our Resource page contains many of the highest quality websites dealing with social anxiety. For literature on social anxiety, check out our SA Books page.

In efforts to create a social network in the blogosphere, we have started a SA Bloggers page. This will be constantly updated as we find other bloggers writing on social anxiety. You’ll also see information on adding a SA Blogger button to your blog.

Upcoming Articles

After introductions, we’ll dive right in to some topics and issues regarding social anxiety. Some examples of what we have in the works are posts (articles) on social anxiety (SAD) assessments, experiences and reflections with those assessments, stress and SAD, the positive side of SAD, family history and SAD, a guest post on living with someone who struggles with SAD, and plenty more. We hope you’ll join us in this exploration.