Anxious Living » dashh

Tonglen and SA

dashh — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 18:04:41 +0000

I wanted to share with you all a technique that I have found very helpful recently in dealing with social anxiety and our fears. The technique or practice is actually a type of meditation taught and practiced in Tibetan Buddhism. It is called tonglen. The word tonglen literally means “sending and taking” in Tibetan. Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun, explains the practice as follows:

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem
to be.

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in other’s pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness. However, we often cannot do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own resistance, anger, or whatever our personal pain, our personal stuckness happens to be at that moment.

At that point you can change the focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and for millions of others just like you who at that very moment of time are feeling exactly the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to name your pain. You recognize it clearly as terror or revulsion or anger or wanting to get revenge. So you breathe in for all the people who are caught with that same emotion and you send out relief or whatever opens up the space for yourself and all those countless others. Maybe you can’t name what you’re feeling. But you can feel it —a tightness in the stomach, a heavy darkness or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe in, take it in —for all of us and send out relief to all of us.

(For more info on tonglen see these articles: Changing Pain into Compassion, The Practice of Tonglen.)

There are several ways to tonglen and one way to do it is to first remind myself to do it! It is so easy to forget and not be mindful, especially in a high stress situation like a social event. So just reminding ourselves that during this event I am going to notice my fear and anxiety is a good start. Then once I notice it, I start to become aware of my breathing and I begin to focus on all the other people around me. I breath in deeply and take in the suffering (fear and anxiety perhaps or suffering in general) of others and breath out healing and peace. If it becomes difficult to do this I just try to breath and accept the anxiety in myself. Sometimes I may to myself to someone close “may you be happy, joyful, loving and peaceful” as I breath out lovingkindness to others.

I used tonglen the other day while shopping in a crowded mall. I had made a purchase and the salesperson was wrapping the gift for me so I had to stand and wait for a while. I felt myself becoming very self-conscious, wondering if others were staring at me and I noticed my breathing became very shallow. I then decided to practice tonglen and started with the salesperson, then with everyone in that particular store and then the entire mall breathing in their suffering and exhaling lovingkindness. I did tonglen for myself as well to break the automatic negative thought cycle and to be more mindful of my breathing. It really helped physically and mentally to do this and my anxiety decreased. It was still there of course but just not so intense and not so overwhelming. I believe it also is a great way to increase our compassion and lessen our self-centeredness.

So give it a try sometime and if there are those who practice tonglen now please share you experiences as well.

Subtle and not so subtle avoidances

dashh — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 19:32:01 +0000

I wanted to post on avoidances after I was inspired by Aaron’s post on avoidance in social situations like parties, etc. Just like Ryan, as I read Aaron’s post I felt like I could have written it myself as my experiences and habits of avoidance are very similar to Aaron’s in social situations.

I would like to expand on that a little and just describe for you some subtle and not so subtle avoidance techniques that I have used the past few years. One that is not so subtle is avoiding the phone. Basically how that started was from the fear of freezing up, saying something “stupid,” stuttering and constantly worrying about what the other person on the line may think about me. I had an experience at my first job where I had a vendor call me regarding payment and I just remember freaking out and being at a lost for words and not able to speak very coherently. I made it through the call and then walked to my door where I noticed the person I was being trained by had been listening in which really freaked me out. This set up my double fear and self-consciousness of someone listening to me while on the phone and the fear of what others I’m talking to on the phone are thinking or how they are evaluating me. I still have some work to do on this avoidance as it has lingered as a favorite of mine until this day.

Some more subtle avoidances I engage in are going to the far end stalls at a bank to avoid having to deal with the teller as much, using email as much as possible rather than making phone calls, finding ways to always eat alone in my office for lunch as work, avoiding eye contact and others I’m sure. These subtle avoidances are my safety strategies that keep me less engaged with others and that keep the anxiety at a much lower level. But they just reinforce the fear and habits that keep us isolated and unwilling to move outside our comfort zone to engage our lives more.

The challenge for us who use these types of avoidances is to first become more aware of them and also look at the thoughts and experiences associated with them. Also, as a part of CBT, I try to challenge myself to be more proactive and begin to push myself to not use these subtle avoidances when possible. Sometimes it is too overwhelming, but if you can find little ways to get through some small goals it helps to build confidence. It also helps to begin the shift I think is necessary to move beyond the irrational thoughts and habits that years of the social anxiety and avoidance cycle have created within us. Do others have ways that you have been able to work on and move past your avoidances? If so please feel free to share them.

Slow Talk

dashh — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 20:24:59 +0000

From time to time I would like to share with you all some techniques that have helped me deal with my social anxiety. One of those techniques is called Slow Talk. I was introduced to this technique through the handouts of Dr. Richards’ Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step by Step tape/handout series that was the core of the SA support group I attended. The technique is actually very easy to practice although you may feel a little awkward getting use to it. It involves just reading something out loud to yourself but slowing down your speech just enough so that you notice a difference. I would practice reading aloud in slow talk for about 20 minutes a day – usually reading over the handouts from the series in the evenings in my room. I usually really exaggerate and slow my rhythm way down when I practice, which in time has helped me to naturally speak just enough slower in social situations to remain more calm.

Many people with social anxiety are so anxious and wound up when we have to speak to someone or talk on the phone that we end up talking way too fast. Then, that faster speech just feeds back and can lead to more anxious thoughts and feelings and of course the cycle continues. It is also very hard to communicate with others when you speak so fast. What I have noticed is that by practicing slowing down my speech I automatically begin to speak slower in a lot of social situations that I used to just freeze up in or talk too fast during due to anxiety. It takes a lot of practice but in time you begin to just naturally slow down and enunciate better and it also helps me to think clearer since my mind isn’t racing as much. It has been a while since I practiced this technique so I think I’ll revisit it again to help reinforce it – so slow it down and check it out yourself.

Shawn’s Intro – SA past to present

dashh — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 18:37:24 +0000

I wanted to share some about my experiences with social anxiety and social anxiety disorder (SAD) in my intro post here at Anxious Living. As I reflect back, my issues with social anxiety seemed to develop full on during my first few years of undergraduate study in college. I have always been shy and naturally an introvert, but had lots of friends and I was pretty social growing up and through high school. With the start of college though, there was a gradual shift to a more self-conscious and withdrawn person than I’d ever been before. Over the first few years I became isolated to only a few friends and a more and more limited experience the social opportunities that many seem to embrace in college. In high school I had worked in an athletic shoe store dealing with public almost daily but left that job and started taking jobs during the summers where I could avoid as much social contact as possible. My self consciousness and anxiety grew to the point of avoiding eye contact with anyone on campus, not getting my haircut for months on end, physical symptoms from anxiety and even a full blown panic attack driving to class one day where I just wanted to turn around and go home. I avoided a public speaking class until my senior year and almost skipped classes when we had to present our speeches and I never participated in class discussions and froze up when called on in class. Needless to say I was suffering.

After college, unlike most new graduates, I avoided interviews with potential employers out of fear and anxiety. Although I was an excellent student I did not work for almost a year and finally landed a job much below my abilities and education. This is very common for people with SAD – we end up going for the safe, comfortable jobs that don’t challenge our social fears and that enable us to avoid social situations. After a few years I wanted to change careers and stop working to pursue school full-time again. I took courses in exercise science and basic sciences in order to apply to physical therapy school. But after a year or so I couldn’t afford to not be working so went back into the accounting field. Around that time I had a relationship (my only “real” one that lasted a year) that ended very badly for me and that experience drove me to therapy. What a Godsend that turned out to me though because I finally found out about anxiety, social anxiety and depression at that time. I started bibliotherapy by reading Feeling Good by David Burns, which is a great book on cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT). Another great book that helped me at that time was The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne, which inspired me to begin meditation. I worked a lot on my own using CBT techniques to begin to become more aware of my thoughts, feelings and emotions and to identify all the automatic negative thinking that controlled my life. I also started journaling daily to also be more aware of my inner life and to express myself.

I then applied to physical therapy school and was accepted at Duke. I had made some great progress in therapy and was able to get through the interviews on campus quite well. The program required me to move away from my hometown, which was a great challenge and great exposure for my social anxiety issues. Unfortunately I did not continue therapy after I moved and after a year of school the stress, anxiety and depression set in once again. The program was pretty grueling with classes from 8 – 5 and then homework, reading, clinicals, you name it. There was a lot of patient contact and lots of “performing” in many of the classes that kept me in a state of ongoing anxiety. Classes required participation, presentations, etc. which of course added further social anxiety pressures to the mix. At the beginning of the semester I was elected Treasurer of the class, but during the year became paralyzed with fear and anxiety of the role and the responsibilities it required. In a nutshell I was a mess. I also was finding out that both professionally and financially the program was not for me so all of that combined drove my decision to leave the program. I disclosed my issues of social anxiety to my advisor and they were more than willing to help me deal with it in classes and clinicals (which I am very thankful for), but in the end I felt I made the right decision to withdraw at that time.

I was at a very low point and the suffering was very great at this time in my life. I started visiting the Social Anxiety Support (SAS) web site forum and participating in an online class where we went through a great book which I highly recommend called The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook by Antony and Swinson. At this time I also began a journey into spiritual practice and discovery – especially in terms of Buddhist teachings and meditation, which I continue to this day. I then found a local social anxiety support group and another therapist, both of which have helped me tremendously the past few years.

I still struggle and find myself taking steps back but the hold and identification with the anxiety and depression has ever so gradually lessened over time. The one common denominator that I will say that helps is practice…whether it be CBT, behavior/exposure exercises, relaxation techniques, meditation or whatever else the bottom line is you have to put the effort and commit to practice. With time you will experience the changes and transformations necessary to move past the suffering of social anxiety disorder. You will be able to do things you have always wanted to but just couldn’t in the past. It can happen with persistence and effort. I still have many goals and issues to deal with when it comes to my social anxiety, but I feel the steps forward I have made can be realized by any one of you out there suffering. May you be healthy and peaceful on your own path to freedom from fear.