Fundamental Distrust

April 18th, 2007 by Aaron

I keep going over my insecurities, my anxieties.  I pick them apart in a journal I keep on my laptop.  Each time I get anxious I try to take a look at exactly what is happening to me, what caused the anxiety, what thoughts are attached, what is my reaction, anything I can learn.

One thing that keeps coming up, even in the smallest of moments, is that I fundamentally do not trust myself.  It started as a flash of insight, a kind of recognition of the obviousness of something I had been dancing around for some time, and grew form there.  Over the last few weeks I have begun to understand just how many parts of my life it affects.

I do not trust my own judgment.  I do not trust my ability to make good decisions, to say the right things, to behave in the appropriate manner.  I do not trust the choices I make.

This lack of trust leads to a lot of doubt and second-guessing.  It leads to fear and inaction.

But this distrust is not even remotely rational.  It’s a deeply ingrained pattern so familiar that it took a lot of self-examination before I was even able to spot it and begin to understand its influence.

So how does one get at something so deeply ingrained?

I want to write more about this, as it feels important.  I’ll be looking for ways to better understand it, to work with it.  If anyone knows of any avenues worth pursing, I’d be grateful.

Is this kind of doubt common to people dealing with social anxiety?

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5 Responses to “Fundamental Distrust”

  1. Leila V. wrote on 04/24/07 at 3:22 pm :

    My anxiety usually rears it’s head when I feel not in control of a situation, but I have that doubt in myself too.

    I think it’s just another manifestation of irrational fears, which I think plays a big part in anxiety, and in my case hypochondria.

    I think the best thing you can do is to continue writing about it, and dissecting your thoughts and behaviors; that’s what’s helped me most…

  2. Aaron wrote on 04/26/07 at 1:58 pm :

    Leila — Irrational fears is a good description of it. This doubt is definitely irrational. And I have found that writing about it and picking it apart these last few weeks is helping. I’m glad to know it’s a technique that’s helped you as well. One of the best parts of writing so much about it is that it helps me spot it faster. When that doubt flairs up, I see it more immediately and have the time to perhaps try some small step to push through it.

  3. Max wrote on 07/16/07 at 12:36 pm :

    I don’t necessarily doubt myself, but I doubt my ability to keep the situation in control. My anxieties appear when I’m in a situation where I’m not in control.

  4. mico wrote on 12/11/07 at 2:01 pm :

    Hi, I’m trying to build a collection of social anxiety related blog links. Just letting you know I’ve added you to that list

  5. Andrew wrote on 01/14/08 at 7:45 pm :

    I agree with Leila.

    “I think the best thing you can do is to continue writing about it, and dissecting your thoughts and behaviors; that’s what’s helped me most”

    Try to think positive.

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