Appropriateness for a Third Time
March 31st, 2007 by Aaron
What I wrote about in my last post (trying to avoid any actions that might make those around me uncomfortable) applies equally well to my reaction to other people. People that seem to behave inappropriately for whatever kind of group they are with make me very uneasy. I get uncomfortable. I feel embarrassed for that person and embarrassed for the people around them, who have to react to what they have done.
Some part of me wishes deeply that I could somehow stop or prevent their behavior. If I could, I’d make it so that no one ever does anything embarrassing, so that no one ever acts inappropriately.
If I see it done on TV, a character thoroughly embarrassing him or herself, I have trouble watching. Some voice in my heads, says, “Please don’t do that. Please don’t do that.”
It seems like this is a fairly clear example of projection. I am seeing my inner feelings in all of these outside events. In many cases, the people I’m feeling so embarrassed for might not feel the least bit of embarrassment. Some people don’t mind standing out. Some crave it.
This is most difficult when I am with friends whose behavior I sometimes find embarrassing in just this way. I try not to let my discomfort show, but have not always been successful. More than one person has thought me judgmental because I was so obviously uncomfortable with their behavior. I didn’t know at the time to explain that it was simply my own anxiety that I was wrestling with.
Sometimes, if I remind myself to relax and breath, if I tell myself over and over that I am not responsible for anyone else’s choices, I can let go of this discomfort. But it isn’t easy.
Does anyone else have trouble like this?
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6 Responses to “Appropriateness for a Third Time”
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Jennifer Djordjevic wrote on 04/1/07 at 11:00 am :
Hi Aaron,
I have feelings like this sometimes too. Not where it produces extreme anxiety but some discomfort. Why do we feel this way? I think you were right in saying you are projecting your own anxiety about it. You and I wouldn’t act in a certain way but it doesn’t mean others won’t. You are also right in saying that people make thier own choices and they have to live with them. Sometimes I catch myself over-analyzing things a bit too much with perpetuates the anxiety. Maybe it would be helpful to think about all the ways that your friends or accquaintances are unique from you and what you like about those qualities. It may deflect the negative feelings away. Just some random thoughts. . .
Jen
Aaron wrote on 04/4/07 at 10:51 am :
Jen: I think you’re right, focusing on appreciating the folks you are with might help quell that discomfort.
I think the discomfort is in my ways the anticipation of a situation that might result in anxiety. Say one particular person who tends to draw attention could be a threat because of the possible attention they would draw to you as well.
Jon Bristow wrote on 04/13/07 at 5:08 pm :
So strange. I feel this way a lot. Eventually I’ll gauge the group’s dynamics and begin to play it (In fact, thanks to my anxiety for displeasing others, I’ve become REALLY good at figuring out the “right” things to say.) to my advantage.
However, it’s not limited just to large groups. I still find myself analyzing my conversations as I’m talking to make sure I’m not stepping across any boundaries. I even catch myself doing this with my girlfriend and my family.
Interesting blog. I found you through del.icio.us in my unending search for more information about AvPD.
Aaron wrote on 04/18/07 at 12:39 pm :
Jon:
I’m just as careful around my family as I am anyone else, some members particularly so. And in relationships, I do exactly the same thing, monitor the feeling of any conversation constantly and gauge what to say based on that. It’s hard to picture what it would be like to speak without all this calculation. Thanks for the comment.
Jennifer Djordjevic wrote on 04/23/07 at 8:25 pm :
Aaron and Jon - You should hear yourselves “talk”. Do you both realize that you are actually really good a gauging feelings and people? That’s such a great quality to have. I bet the more you become comfortable with that the less anxiety you will feel. Negative anticipation can also be the issue. When you get ready to go places or know that you have to be somewhere, do you start to worry? I used to do that all the time and it would make for some terrible anxiety for most of the day. Now I just say ‘Oh to hell with it’. If someone doesnt’ like me the way I am then so be it. Easier said than done to be sure. . .
Jen
Aaron wrote on 04/26/07 at 1:52 pm :
Jennifer — negative anticipation is definitely a factor for me. You have a good point about the positive qualities of gaging feelings and people. I think the part that feels negative is the obsessive quality of it. And how it is used. Often it’s a defense mechanism, a way to be on the lookout for potential anxiety. I think it has, actually, created many positive skills, but the obsessive self-defense nature of it makes it more burdensome than useful sensitivity.