More on Appropriateness
March 22nd, 2007 by Aaron
I’ve been thinking a bit more about the idea of appropriateness. Another aspect of speaking in particular ways to particular people is the fear of speaking or acting in a way that is outside of an established relationship.
In each of my relationships, I put a lot of effort into making sure I do not make whomever I am with uncomfortable. I try not to say or do anything that might seem, even mildly, out of place.
A simple example brought this home recently. I was out hiking with a group of friends. A man stopped to ask us for directions.
I probably knew the area he was asking about better than anyone, but I let one of my friends give directions. I didn’t speak up because I didn’t want the people I was with to see me behave in a way (outgoing, etc) that might make them uncomfortable.
I didn’t immediately understand as much. I mostly thought about how I probably should have spoken up (although the directions my friend gave were certainly good enough). What got me to thinking about appropriateness was the thought that, if alone, I would have had no problem giving directions and might have even enjoyed chatting with a fellow hiker for a few minutes. But there is something in the way I perceive the social expectations of my friends that made it impossible for me to do the same thing when I was with them.
So it seems, upon reflection, that my anxiety has a lot to do with the fear of acting inappropriately and thereby embarrassing other people, particularly those who are closest to me. Has anyone else noticed this about their anxiety? Is the idea that, free of my usual social expectations and relationships, I could be a less anxious person, that I would talk easily to a stranger, merely wishful thinking?
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Kirk wrote on 03/24/07 at 8:01 pm :
Hey… I’ve noticed that I tend to ’shift upward’ when I’m not around people I know and I have to speak for myself, on my own, and I’m pushed into a demanding situation. Although I also tend to screw things up, nonetheless.
Yeah, I tend to try and please others, I get in a groove, and then with someone new I am suddenly different, more chipper. I too let others speak for me when in company unless I’m asked directly, it’s annoying.
Aaron wrote on 03/31/07 at 11:29 am :
Kirk:
Thanks for the comment. Sorry to take so long to reply. Lousy week. Pleasing others is a good way to look at it. Without that aspect to any situation I find I can act a little more freely, which isn’t to say I won’t be sabotaged by the anxiety at some point.
I also rarely give my opinion unless asked directly. It’s actually something I noticed before realizing I had SA but didn’t know exactly what to make of.