Appropriate
March 8th, 2007 by Aaron
Lately, I’ve noticed a certain quality to my social anxiety: appropriateness. I put a lot of effort into always trying to act appropriately. Where I got my ideas about what is appropriate is probably worth exploring. But I won’t be doing that just yet. I wanted to take a couple of posts to point what I have noticed.
The first has to do with how I talk to people.
I was having lunch with a couple of friends who I have known for awhile, one who I’ve been spending more time with recently and another who I hadn’t seen in awhile. The first guy, who I’ve been spending time with, started talking to the second. He spoke to him exactly the same way he talks to me. And immediately a thought popped up in my head, “Be careful. You might say the wrong thing.” Which is a little odd as the second guy is a very reasonable person. It’s just that I have always interacted with him fairly differently than I do with the first guy.
I change how I am around different people. My friend doesn’t.
It goes beyond something as simple as I swear around some people and not others, or that with some people I revel in being silly. It’s that I let the other person lead. I watch for what they seem to think good interaction is and then tend towards that. Over time it develops into a particular way of being around each person.
I might not have looked closely at this habit if it hadn’t been for that moment when I thought, “Be careful.” It speaks to a closely self-monitored behavior of trying to control interactions through appropriateness.
So is this behavior about anxiety? Could it possibly be a useful skill as well?
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hmm wrote on 03/8/07 at 2:00 pm :
I do the same thing; I think it can definately be a skill as long as you don’t restrict yourself too much or start beating yourself up for a percieved flaw in your behaviour (which I also do every now and then).
Anyways this is a great blog, thanks a lot.
Aaron wrote on 03/10/07 at 12:13 am :
Thanks for the comment.
I’ve found I have to be rather vigilint if I’m going to avoid beating myself up when in social situations. I think a lot of the skills learned in order to cope with social anxiety could prove useful if we could figure out how not to let them get the best of us.
Glad you’re enjoying the blog.
Jason wrote on 03/17/07 at 8:45 pm :
Amazed how 1 in 9 people or 20 million suffer and no one seems to have it but me. I act/think exactly the same way.
Aaron wrote on 03/20/07 at 11:39 am :
Jason:
I’m amazed by the same thing. I have yet to meet anyone else who says they have it (aside from the folks who post here, who I know because of it).
I have taken to watching people to see if I can spot anyone I think my be dealing with SA. It’s interesting, but I don’t know if I’d ever approach anyone.
Thanks for the comment.
hannita wrote on 04/24/08 at 11:26 am :
It is my case, frequently I find myself trying to control my behavior, my ideas, my words, always looking for to say or to do the correct thing, or make de correct desicion. It is like I tried to please to others, although conscientiously I know that is impossible.
I feel that the people don’t like me, it’s dificult for me, make friends, and feel alone, this make me feel anxious and apprehensive.
but is confused because this