Slow Motion Social Anxiety
February 1st, 2007 by Aaron
A few posts ago I wrote about how I believe there is an aspect of repressed excitement to my social anxiety. Just recently, this played out in a unique way. I was able to spot the pattern because it happened in slow motion.
There’s a concert coming up, one of my favorite artists. And there’s a shirt I recently purchased. I have a thing for retro-style western shirts. But they tend to be a bit… loud… flashy… colorful. And this one is of the more extravagant variety, similar to these examples (though, no, I was not lucky enough to pick up a Rockmount).
I dig this shirt. I dig this artist. And in my initial burst of enthusiasm I thought how cool it would be to wear this shirt to this show. It’s the kind of crowd that just might appreciate a good western shirt.
But then, as the concert has gotten closer (it’s tomorrow), I’ve begun to think to myself that I can’t wear this shirt. I’ll stand out. I’ll draw attention to myself. I’ll draw attention to the fact that I want to draw attention to myself. People will see my desperation.
I tell myself things. What kind of grown man gets this excited about a shirt? I am too old. The time for such joys has passed. What kind of person wants to wear something so showy? And why do I love western shirts (oh, it’s a fondness brought out by – or picked up from – an ex-girlfriend). So, not only am I going to stand out and not only is that going to make me look childish and desperate. I’m a phony.
Well, yes, this thinking is a touch over the top. But there it is. Now I don’t want to wear the shirt. But I don’t want to not want to wear the shirt because that means I’m giving in to my fear. And now I can’t figure out how much I wanted to wear it in the first place (oh, I can be honest, when I saw the shirt and that it was affordable I was nearly overcome with joy) and I might just skip it because the whole sorry mess has me feeling like such a loser.
Because if I do wear it I’ll feel like I might as well be wearing a clown wig and if I don’t wear it I’ll feel like I’m the same ridiculous coward I’ve always been.
This is my social anxiety played out in slow motion. This is a deeply ingrained pattern, initial excitement turning to dread turning to avoidance. For some reason I got excited about this shirt. I got excited about this show. I got excited about a combination of the two. And then I got really, really embarrassed by my enthusiasm. Eventually the whole thing became a source of stress.
I can’t even enjoy a simple shirt (thought maybe simple is the wrong word) and I can’t even enjoy a simple concert. I feel deep shame for wanting any kind of attention, deep shame for standing out in any way.
So, what’s a western shirt loving, M. Ward fan to do?
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10 Responses to “Slow Motion Social Anxiety”
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Katyusha wrote on 02/3/07 at 12:31 pm :
Wow…just who do you think you are, taking pleasure like that? And at your age! =)
Do you think you’ll be hurting someone by drawing attention to yourself?
I ask because the excitement/attention/shame trifecta is very familiar to me. If -I’m- excited about it, it must be stupid and trivial or some clearly fake attempt to impersonate a normal person. I’m supposed to hit a friend’s bachelorette party tonight, and my stomach is already twisting, encouraging me to stay home and safe and small.
Our house had a zero-sum attitude toward happiness: if it was being experienced by someone else, you had to steal it from them or just wait your turn (which will never come). Attempts to import or generate new happiness were quickly squashed. Be aggressive, or cowardly. I’m also an abuse survivor, so that whole excitement/shame circuit has been tampered with.
Now it’s a matter of learning how to deal around it. One thing I try is telling myself repeatedly, over and over, that I’m allowed to exist. Seriously. It’s as basic as that for me at this point. I don’t want to just exist. I want to participate. But I’ll get there (I hope).
I cheer you on and hope that you go and have a great time. I’m sure you look great in your new shirt! Get someone to take a picture of you in it, at the concert.
Aaron wrote on 02/5/07 at 11:40 pm :
Thank you for the comment, the supoort and for sharing so much. A lot of what you wrote really resonated.
I got back into town last night, after seeing the show. I wore the shirt, but, unfortunately, did not have anyone snap a photo. It went well. A good lesson in seeing just how inaccurate my thoughts about it were beforehand.
There was something in my family around excitement. It had to do with the idea that the way you acted when excited was embarassing and would embarass the people with you. It was as if there was something flat out wrong and selfish about drawing attention.
How did the bachelorette party go?
Ansela wrote on 02/9/07 at 11:18 am :
I am so glad that you wore the shirt. It would really sad if you had deprived your ‘inner child’ of such a simple joy. I totally relate to your story. When I was 5 and got called to take someone’s part in a ‘Sound of Music’ segment in our kindergarten program (the other kid got sick) I was so happy. My mother and my older sisters criticized me for being a ‘ham’. What 5 yr old needs to be called a ‘ham’? When I was 7 and became a Brownie(girl scout) and got my book and saw the levels and was excited about going up the levels, again, I was ridiculed for my enthusiasm and was bet 10.00 that I wouldn’t stick to it beyond elementary school. I lost my first 10.00 bet at the age of 9 and have been a ‘quitter’ ever since. It’s been years since I thought in terms of the ‘inner child’ thing, but your story made me remember. When we are so harsh with ourselves all we are doing as perpetuating cruelty against a wounded child.
Aaron wrote on 02/10/07 at 12:17 pm :
Ansela:
Seeing it as an inner child thing is very helpful. Thank you for pointing that out. Your stories from childhood sound a lot like the kinds of things I remember being told. And then, of course, they became the things I told myself.
Katyusha wrote on 02/13/07 at 8:04 pm :
Ansela:
You nailed it. And did we grow up in the same family? I can still hear the echoes. I was thinking earlier this week– while staring down a report and feeling my mind go constipated– why do I always want to quit right after I feel excited about something?
Aaron:
I’m glad you wore the shirt.
Thanks for asking about the bachelorette party. I made it through the whole thing, and although I found myself resorting to familiar tics that seem to give comfort (playing it down, playing the rube, trying not to be too attractive or too wordy), it was good to be able to share it with the bride-to-be. But I was exhausted by the end– I feel like such an interloper. I’m continuing to learn.
Aaron wrote on 02/19/07 at 2:49 am :
Katyusha:
“…why do I always want to quit right after I feel excited about something?”
Exactly. That perfectly describes the way I far too often feel. It’s interesting. And nice to start to pick it apart here. There’s some kind of fear and embarassment that just naturally flows from excitement.
I’m glad the bachelorette party went well. I’ve definately fallen into the role of rube to get through things as well. I often fall into being cynical/self-depreciating in order to have something to say. Though it doesn’t fit every occasion.
Thanks for the comment.
Jennifer Djordjevic wrote on 02/22/07 at 6:11 am :
Hi All,
I’ve been reading your comments and I wonder if the excitement and then not following through thing is also a fear of failure or a fear of success. God forbid we become successful for that means we’d have to admit we were good at something. We can’t give ourselves that sort of credit. Can we? Fortunately I was not abused as a child however I did grow up with parents who abused alcohol. Sometimes I feel I set standards so high for myself that once I get started I give up. Why even try if I can’t get there? Just some free flowing thoughts. Not sure if they will help. . .
Aaron wrote on 02/27/07 at 1:31 am :
Jennifer:
I’ve had plenty of trouble with perfectionism leading to thinking it better not to try. Perhaps fear of success is also fear of more pressure? The more we succeed the harder it will be to live up to what we think will be expected of us?
Craig wrote on 04/5/07 at 1:28 pm :
Once again, I see a lot of who I am in many of you. I too was abused, but my parents and sibling are all very anxious so growing up in that environment made the abnormal the norm. We were always “standoffish” with each other family-wise, to the point where I had to re-learn intimacy and make specific efforts towards it, since it is not ingrained into my nature.
I do remember now being younger and my parents belittling me. I don’t remmeber too many exact pxperiences except for one in particular, when I was around 19 and told my folks I wanted to be a EMT and eventually a 911 dispatcher for St Louis City. They told me I would never do it. I did do it, and I think that shut them up after that.
Anyway, this is what I really wnated to ask-
I thought maybe I had ADD or something, since I tend to get super excited about something, investigate it fully and maybe even drop money into it, and then switch to something else or just drop it completely. Am I the only one like this? Maybe it is ADD after all.
Lawrence wrote on 01/2/08 at 6:37 am :
I have experienced this obsessive type of worry many times. You can be fully aware that it simply is an emotional disorder manifesting itself, yet that knowledge and self-awareness does little to cause you to regain the proper emotional perspective.
Btw, I thought the retro western shirts looked cool. I like the old-school rockabilly style clothing anyway.