Anxious Living

Anxious Writing

December 21st, 2006 by Aaron

For the last few weeks I have been working on a writing project and going through the usual stresses this brings. When I work to get out a first draft, I put intense pressure on myself and create a lot emotional turmoil. I wind up miserable, longing for the later stages of the process. When the first draft is done, the fear of whether it will work at all is over and I can concentrate on refining my writing into something worthwhile. Before the first draft is done, it feels like the whole thing could go to pieces at any moment.

This isn’t so different from relationships and dealing with people. The more time I spend with a person the more comfortable I feel and the more I am able to express depth. But the first moments, when I am trying to establish the relationship and wondering if it is even going to take at all, are excruciating. I like other people, I want to hang around with other people (like I want to write), but the fear of creating something new, be it written or relational, is intense.

My anxiety, my social anxiety, the difficulty of the first time, the unknown, unfamiliar, the moment when I am not sure how to behave, what to write, what the other person appreciates, and I have to act knowing everything could go terribly wrong… I dread it. It frightens me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how this fear begins and I have some longer posts I’m working on. The short version is that my anxiety might be a learned reaction to my own excitement. I am absolutely thrilled to write something new, to meet someone new, to feel any kind of connection, but for one reason or another I do not feel capable of owning my excitement and it quickly becomes anxiety. I’m even flirting with the idea that what I really, truly want is attention, but that I think craving attention is wrong. I’m only beginning to look into this stuff and after the New Year plan to post much more about it.
I hope everyone has a truly great holiday season.

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