Anxious Living

Tonglen and SA

December 15th, 2006 by dashh

I wanted to share with you all a technique that I have found very helpful recently in dealing with social anxiety and our fears. The technique or practice is actually a type of meditation taught and practiced in Tibetan Buddhism. It is called tonglen. The word tonglen literally means “sending and taking” in Tibetan. Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun, explains the practice as follows:

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem
to be.

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in other’s pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness. However, we often cannot do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own resistance, anger, or whatever our personal pain, our personal stuckness happens to be at that moment.

At that point you can change the focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and for millions of others just like you who at that very moment of time are feeling exactly the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to name your pain. You recognize it clearly as terror or revulsion or anger or wanting to get revenge. So you breathe in for all the people who are caught with that same emotion and you send out relief or whatever opens up the space for yourself and all those countless others. Maybe you can’t name what you’re feeling. But you can feel it —a tightness in the stomach, a heavy darkness or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe in, take it in —for all of us and send out relief to all of us.

(For more info on tonglen see these articles: Changing Pain into Compassion, The Practice of Tonglen.)

There are several ways to tonglen and one way to do it is to first remind myself to do it! It is so easy to forget and not be mindful, especially in a high stress situation like a social event. So just reminding ourselves that during this event I am going to notice my fear and anxiety is a good start. Then once I notice it, I start to become aware of my breathing and I begin to focus on all the other people around me. I breath in deeply and take in the suffering (fear and anxiety perhaps or suffering in general) of others and breath out healing and peace. If it becomes difficult to do this I just try to breath and accept the anxiety in myself. Sometimes I may to myself to someone close “may you be happy, joyful, loving and peaceful” as I breath out lovingkindness to others.

I used tonglen the other day while shopping in a crowded mall. I had made a purchase and the salesperson was wrapping the gift for me so I had to stand and wait for a while. I felt myself becoming very self-conscious, wondering if others were staring at me and I noticed my breathing became very shallow. I then decided to practice tonglen and started with the salesperson, then with everyone in that particular store and then the entire mall breathing in their suffering and exhaling lovingkindness. I did tonglen for myself as well to break the automatic negative thought cycle and to be more mindful of my breathing. It really helped physically and mentally to do this and my anxiety decreased. It was still there of course but just not so intense and not so overwhelming. I believe it also is a great way to increase our compassion and lessen our self-centeredness.

So give it a try sometime and if there are those who practice tonglen now please share you experiences as well.

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