It’s Only Life
October 25th, 2006 by Aaron
Lately, I have been trying to work at using phrase reminders when my anxiety flairs up. But I find it is a little at odds with what I have always seen as my natural disposition.
I have been a cynic for as a long as I can remember. I’m willing to concede that I am the disappointed romantic breed of cynic. But the cynicism runs deep and I have drawn from it often.
When I used to get anxious, or I had to do something I knew I was not going to like, I would tell myself things like, “Oh well, it’s only life,” and “Who really cares, anyway?” In just the same way I’m now working to use something like, “Every instance of fear is an opportunity for courage.”
I took everything apart. There was no action, no gesture, no effort, no artistic endeavor, no heartfelt confession, I couldn’t mock and then dismiss.
But one thing about being a cynic is that it’s fun. It’s easier to get a laugh. It’s a bravado, a gallows humor in the face of how life leaves you feeling perpetually uncomfortable. It can be damned entertaining.
And it is such a great defense mechanism.
Since I started writing for this blog, I’ve made a conscious effort to not give in so much to defense mechanisms and distractions. And that means no more dismissive comments or fatalistic posturing. This has actually made me much more anxious. Instead of laughing darkly and my own misery or drowning myself in distraction, I remain keenly aware of the racing thoughts and the physical discomfort.But it feels neccessary for now. Especially, as Ryan pointed out, because it will help me to see which parts of my attitude are my personal preferences and which are reactions to anxiety.
I do hope that when I start to better integrate this new awareness of my social anxiety I can gain back a little of the humor I used to find in my own misery. I also hope I find a way to do this that makes me much more pleasant to be around than I once was.
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Ryan Oelke wrote on 10/29/06 at 1:01 pm :
I think it’s difficult to give up defense mechanisms unless you have something healthy to put in their place. As I learned in my grad program, all our dysfunctions serve a purpose, sort of like duct tape: it’s not ideal but it’s better than nothing:) But the good thing is that you and I have found great ways to help with that.