Anxious Living

Insulating Effect of Established Relationships

October 16th, 2006 by Ryan Oelke

It’s not news to say that those with social anxiety have difficulty and/or avoid starting relationships, but I believe this is even more pronounced when a person has one or more established relationships, whether that is an intimate relationship or a close friendship. The effect is a comfortable insulation from the anxieties of forming new and potentially meaningful relationships. I have noticed this in myself, in that if I have few satisfying relationships, I tend not to push myself to start new ones, even if I am truly interested. It’s certainly possible that a socially anxious person without relationships can be exteremely debilitating, but I also think that the relationships we do have can easily trick us into avoidance and deceptive contentment.

What has been your experience with this? What sort of feelings do you experience? Have you challenged yourself to change this tendency? If so, what methods do you find helpful?

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7 Responses to “Insulating Effect of Established Relationships”

1. William Harryman wrote on 10/16/06 at 5:05 pm :

   I definitely avoid starting new relationships / friendships. Even when people reach out to me, which has happened a bit of late among some of my casual friends (ie, not “real” friendship), I am avoidant.

   I had lunch today with a casual friend / former client, and even that was tough. We actually talk about meaningful stuff, which is cool, but it’s really hard for me to make myself do things like that.

   One of the strategies — the only one that helps me — is to remind myself that it’s just hanging out, that there are no expectations (fear of being vulnerable is a part of my particular flavor of SA), and that this person already likes me. It really is a “safety” thing a lot of times, so trying to remove that aspect of the fear helps.

   Peace,
   Bill

2. Ryan Oelke wrote on 10/17/06 at 11:45 am :

   Hey Bill:) yeah, I’m also avoidant when people reach out to me. Double whammy. I like your suggestion of reminding myself that “we’re just hanging out”. I’m a fan of using helpful one-liners because they’re easy to remember and, I think, saying them repeatedly like mantras helps counteract the continually negative one-liners that are running through my head.

3. Gus wrote on 10/18/06 at 7:25 pm :

   I’ve had problems stablishing realtionships all my life, just that I was not aware of it, eventhough I had “friends”, they were not permanent, people comes and go in my life.

   Today I really have problems stablishing new relationships, the feeling is terrible, I feel vulnerable.

   What I do many times is force myself to do it, to go out there and talk to people and as Bill wrote I try to make my fears concious and repeat to myself is ok, is safe, nothing is going to happen; with some people works, with others doesn’t work for me.

4. Ansela wrote on 02/9/07 at 11:48 am :

   After being single (divorced) and pushing myself socially so that I was always talking to people or dating, etc….I am remarried…and due to life changes (relocation, lost job, rural living, depression…)have really retreated. Aside from the other negatives that shifted me from social anxiety to being outright avoidant, I do think that being in this relationship makes me more self conscious about my attempts to socialize with other people. The push that I need to give myself, the ‘fake it till you make it’ aspect is much harder when there is someone with me who might see me a being Fake. I am new to this site and first read someone’s post about judging himself for wanting to wear a new shirt to a concert. For me this relates. It’s a Judgement thing. How dare you want more than one ‘friend’…Or how dare you ‘act’ different in a crowd that you do at home?

5. Aaron wrote on 02/10/07 at 12:52 pm :

   Ansela:

   I’ve had trouble in past relationships with the problem of being more self-conscious about my attempts to overcome social anxiety. Something in me thinks the other person will think worse of me if they see my efforts. It’s like you said, I’m expecting them to judge me and it ties me up. And sometimes it feels easier to just disappear into one or two relationships and not have to work at dealing with other people.

6. Amanda wrote on 02/25/07 at 6:28 pm :

   I’ve been having a really difficult time because I’ve met someone that I’m really attracted to and I really want to get closer to, but at the same time I’m having a hard time doing that. I’ve got this awful battle going on in my head and I feel like it’s driving me crazy. I have found myself wanting to wrap myself up in him but there are other people in my life and haven’t been able to do that. It makes me angry sometimes.

7. Aaron wrote on 02/27/07 at 4:31 pm :

   Amanda:

   At least you want to get closer, right? That’s good. I know I’ve picked relationships in the past that let me avoid getting too close.

   Of course, the other thing to be careful with is just switching from one relationship that consumes all your time to another.

   Anxiety always makes the relationship thing difficult from my experience. I hope you have some luck going forward with this.

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