Doubting From Fear
September 23rd, 2006 by Aaron
I’ve often felt as if I am battling my own opinions.
I have trouble seeing clearly the difference between what I think I should like and what I actually like, between what I think I should feel and what I actually feel.
I see it as a consequence of a life spent doubting my own judgment.
There’s a story I’ve told a few people. Mostly to amuse them when they’ve gotten to know me and how I act.
When I was younger, 19 or 20, I went to the mall with my girlfriend. I was sent off to get us a soda to share. But when I took a sip the soda was flat. I thought of telling the cashier and asking for something else but then some voice told me not to. What if I was wrong? What if I gave the soda back and the cashier tested it and it wasn’t flat? How would I deal with the embarrassment? So I walked clear across the mall, had my girlfriend try the soda and confirm that it was flat, pretending that I had only just taken a sip before I walked up to her. Then I walked back and asked for a new drink. If I’d been alone I’d have just dealt with having a flat soda.
I laugh often enough when I tell the story. But it feels illustrative of something I have dealt with my entire life.
It’s not just this doubting of my own judgment, it’s the quality of the doubt. I doubt from fear. And not just any kind of fear, but a very specific fear. Fear of exposure, fear of embarrassment, fear of looking foolish, even in the most mundane of circumstances.
I monitor how I feel, what I appreciate, what I let people know I appreciate or feel, and a million other aspects of my life. And it has created a situation where, because of the fear of coming across poorly, I feel a kind of constant pressure about the nature of my own opinions.
If I were to suggest ways to spot if social anxiety plays a role in your life, this quality of doubting from fear would be a major factor.
What do you think? Do other kinds of people besides the socially anxious question themselves this way? Are there other factors involved?
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Ryan Oelke wrote on 09/23/06 at 8:23 am :
Oh yeah, I have a bit of trouble with being indecisive and doubting myself. Aimee’ teases me a bit, and actually gets a little irritated sometimes because I simply can’t decide. Sometimes it’s not even in a SAD situation, but I think because I’ve doubted myself so oftn in SAD situations that it’s become a bit of a habit.
I wonder what direct ways there are in dealing with doubt and indecisiveness related to SAD. Are the only indirect methods? hmmm….
Aaron wrote on 09/27/06 at 1:53 pm :
I haven’t come across methods for dealing with indecisiveness that relate it to SAD. I think because it comes from SAD it’s a very deeply ingrained habit and therefore much harder to break.
The only thing that has helped at all is when I can catch it as it begins to happen and use reminders, as you talked about in your notecards post.