The Trouble With Authority
August 30th, 2006 by Aaron
One characteristic of the socially anxious that is listed in The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook is a difficulty relating to experts or people in authority. This is certainly true of me. I am extremely unnerved by anyone who I believe knows more than me. In fact, given any field I might get interested in, I’ll just as soon want to give up on it because I can always find someone who knows so much about it that my pitiful attempts seem ridiculous.
I’m nearly as bad with people that I see as being more successful than myself, more together, more powerful, hell, even better looking.
I get unreasonably nervous whenever I see police cars. I have trouble at jobs talking to people higher up. I get nervous in restaurants that feel too nice, too expensive or even a touch formal. God help me, if I ever have to talk to anyone important that I want something from.
My need for significant validation makes me crave the approval of such people far more than I wish I did. My need to please people keeps me scrambling to find some way to impress the very people that make me the most uncomfortable.
It creates inner tension, a love/hate relationship with anyone who intimidates me. Even if my rational mind can explain why I might not really want or need a particular person’s approval, I still find myself yearning for praise. I’ll do things that I don’t really want to, or know aren’t terribly reasonable, because I believe that person will now think more of me. It makes me susceptible to being used, something that has played out in more than one work situation.
I also develop attachments to authority figures. I try to find people that know the most in a field I’m interested in then digest everything I can of their knowledge. This has had its positive effects, but it also leaves me with a sense of desperation as I scramble not to miss out on anything that will make me better informed or safer in the opinions that I hold.
What I really wish is that there was some way to simply not care quite so much. But I know this won’t happen.
Do you have trouble with experts or people in authority? Do you have any mechanisms for helping you to deal with these situations?
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4 Responses to “The Trouble With Authority”
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duff wrote on 08/31/06 at 12:19 pm :
That’s a bit extreme–of course you can reduce your attachment to caring what others think of you, with disciplined practice, over time.
Just keep at it! You will see progress, even though it seems like nothing is happening at first. In my experience it works like an exponential curve–at first nothing seems to be happening, and then “all of a sudden” all these changes occur that make your old problems dissolve more and more rapidly.
Aaron wrote on 09/1/06 at 6:07 pm :
I did overstate it. What I mean is that it feels as if that won’t happen. Though I must admit, I’m more likely to believe that these feelings will become more manageable than I am that they eventually decrease. But I’m more than willing to guess that is just part of where I’m at with dealing with SA.
Lucy wrote on 09/10/06 at 8:25 pm :
Aaron,
I don’t think it is a bit extreme, you were stating how you felt and not overstating it. You don’t have to apologize or backtrack to please others about how you are feeling. Duff is trying to help but his first statement belittled and deemphasized how you felt. You took back how you felt by saying you overstated it to please duff. Right there is a perfect example of what you were writing about in your original letter. I could be wrong, but it seems like deep down you don’t think you are a good person, not worthy of what everyone else has that you want too. You might feel inferior to others and no matter what situation arises, someone else is better than you and you can never measure up. Your possible depression happens because of this. You might feel lost and maybe feel you don’t belong anywhere and never will. Maybe you feel like you truly never connect with people the way others seem to, even though you want to. You might have grown up with an over-controling, criticizing parent that didn’t validate your feelings, therefore you found it hard to develop a true sense of self. Maybe because of this, you can be a bit of a chameleon around different people to suit the situation (to blend so not to be noticed for what you might truly think you are - not a good person). The above is just a guess.
Duff is right for you to keep working on it. There will always be someone better than you at things and someone worse, so make the competition with yourself. Look back and see the progress you have made and you might see you are not making “pitiful attempts” but good ones. If you want, get a window writing marker and look in your bathroom mirror. Write everything you are thinking about yourself on the mirror (not sentences) and you might see how you truly feel (this is not my idea, someone elses). It is really interesting to try. Then from there, you can work on some new things you might not know about yourself.
Aaron wrote on 09/13/06 at 12:26 am :
Hmmmm. Very good guess. I’m not entirely sure what to say.
There’s so much here that’s interesting. Duff has a good point. It’s helpful to be reminded that anxious thinking tends to extremes. To be able to see where you’re doing this helps.
And also how strange to see myself do what I was saying I do, without really seeing that I was doing it. Thank you for pointing it out.
You know, right now I feel a sense of wanting to please both of you by responding correctly. I don’t think that’s such a bad thing, but it certainly is interesting to notice how strong the pull of it is.
Thank you for the comment. The mirror thing sounds worth a shot.