Social Anxiety in a Public Job
July 31st, 2006 by William Harryman
When I sent my resume to Bally Total Fitness in application for the job of fitness trainer, I never really expected them to call me. When they did call, I never really expected to get the job. When the interview went well and the audition went even better, I still didn’t even hope to work there. But they hired me, which meant that I would be working in a very busy commercial gym every day.
Getting this job was the culmination of eight years of really wanting to be a fitness trainer. And I was totally freaked out that it was happening.
I have social anxiety disorder (SAD), so the thought of working in a gym with hundreds of members coming and going each evening seemed like my worst nightmare. I tried to talk myself into believing that I would just be working with people one-on-one — no big deal. But I didn’t really understand how a commercial gym works.
On my first night, the Fitness Director gave me a stack of cards and told me to go out on the floor and get ten people to agree to a complimentary training session. I had to interrupt whatever they were doing, talk to these complete strangers, get them to agree to a workout they likely didn’t want, and get their name and phone number.
My heart stopped beating. I quit breathing. My stomach did somersaults. I may have turned colors. I was suddenly drenched in sweat, which was strange considering the powerful air conditioning system.
After two tries, I had to stop and go back to the office. There’s only so long a body can function without oxygen.
I was immediately reminded of all the high school dances, parties, and other social events that I survived with the aid of my good friend Jack Daniels. But I had quit drinking years ago. Many of my friends back then thought that I was an alcoholic, but I wasn’t. I was self-medicating an illness I had never even heard of and didn’t know I had.
Since that time, I had learned that a handful of Saint John’s wort could take the edge off my anxiety. I had learned that I can function one-on-one or in very small groups. And later I learned that meditation could help me control my breathing to reduce the anxiety. I also learned that if I play a role, or wear a mask, I could bluff my way through a situation.
That was the tactic I took in my first months at the gym, and the one I still employ when I walk through those doors.
In my previous job, when I had to work my first trade show as a marketing assistant, I learned that all I had to do was pretend to be “Joe Salesman” and I could actually talk to all these strange people and do my job. It was like acting, and it worked.
So when I go into the gym, I am “Bill the trainer.” I play a role. I leave myself and my life outside the door for the most part. My partner, Kira, used to wonder why I kept my work life and my personal life so separate, and in the past I simply said it was a personal choice to protect my privacy. As I write this, however, it has become clear that it’s another way to get outside myself so that I can be around so many people.
And of course, after more than two years, it’s a lot easier now. I know lots of people and they think they know me. I have enough clients that I can avoid being at the gym during “prime time,” from 5 to 8 pm. I’ve become very good at keeping the separation that allows me to wear my mask and get through my days.
But it is not healthy. I feel drained on longer days. And even though I love my clients, some days I dread assuming the role. It takes a lot of energy to repress the anxiety and summon my self-confidence.
I have recently made a decision that will force me to learn better coping mechanisms — healthier approaches to dealing with my anxiety. Kira and I are going to teach a workshop — on changing the way people relate to food — at the local community college after the beginning of the year. I don’t want to have to be there without being present.
It’s going to take some serious work for me to pull this off. I plan to start working with my therapist again about how to handle the anxiety in more healthy ways. I also want to explore more “on the spot” methods of controlling my breathing as another way of limiting the anxiety. I won’t let this disorder control my life.
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Dreamer wrote on 08/8/06 at 5:32 am :
dude, good stuff man, respect. great to see your handling your business.. and refuse to be a prisoner of your emotions
im going through my own struggle.. ive tackeled what seems to be an entire social phobia in 2 to 3 years… its been a crazy trip.
although there are still underlying issues.
Not to mention i fucked up along the way.. ive took my emotional reconditiong to far im afraid and it flipped over to repression i was obsessed with not having emotional reactions to external events so im doing damage controll and opening it up again.
anyway, right now im going through what seems to be.. the ”final layer”
the deep structure that connects all the stuff ive been battling.
a severe highest priority avoidance of any situation with a potential negative scenario.
but more so avoidance of exposing my true self (minus the masks) if that makes sense.
its been a good 2 years and the last year has been crazy for me.
RESPECT to you my friend, i think its awesome what your doing.
and respect to me, because after the last year, ha i deserve it.
if you ever wanna talk shoot me a line i filled in my real e-mail.
keep it up , you got this.
Dreamer
William Harryman wrote on 08/10/06 at 5:23 pm :
Hey Dreamer,
Congrats on taking on the challenge — it’s hard work and there are bound to be mistakes. This is where Buddhism, especially the writings of Pema Chodron, help me a lot — we make mistakes, all of us, and we can’t be anything other than who we are RIGHT NOW, so we need to give ourselves a break.
What you said at the end, and respect to me, because after the last year, ha i deserve it, is right on. We need to respect our limits, but not accept them, and we need to acknowledge our successes, but not be satisfied with them.
I am only a guest blogger here, so I don’t have access to your email address, but you can find me at Integral Options Cafe. There’s an “email me” button on the sidebar.
Peace,
Bill
Cynthia Blue wrote on 08/18/06 at 10:02 am :
Oh my.. I might have to use that in my signature for my forums login. That is an awesome line… if you don’t mind. I just blogged about standing up for myself, and being satisfied with successes relates. I used to think I should humbly be satisfied with all my successes and no longer push. But I love your words better.
Anyway.. as to your blog. Wow, I’m impressed. I’m always impressed when someone with SA is able to work in the public. I worked in welfare for 9.5 years. I learned to grow some thick skin, and learned how to wear a mask too. But it was a lot of work. I prefer working with computers which I now do. However I still have to be out in the world to do things I love. And that is hard every step of the way.
I admire you and your doing your work. Impresssive.
Anxious Living » Blog Archive » Existential Congruency and Social Anxiety wrote on 09/11/06 at 3:17 pm :
[...] William’s post, “Social Anxiety in a Public Job“, reminded me of my own similar struggles with working in residence life, a profession involving a great deal of socializing. I responded in much the same way he did, which was to be an actor of sorts, and as with William it left me feeling very drained. It was even more pronounced as I could not easily separate the job and my personal life as the position of a residence hall director is not a 9-5 job, and for three out of the four years I lived right where I worked, in the hall. [...]
csylcbo wrote on 12/23/06 at 9:33 am :
Hi all!!! Cool site!!!