Accept or Push Through?
July 27th, 2006 by Aaron
I went to a weekend meditation class and had some interesting experiences with social anxiety. For the most part we were either sitting or walking in silence or listening to a talk. It was simple, an easy way for the socially anxious to be in a large group. But there were lunch periods and, worst of all, a reception at the end of the weekend.
But the nature of the weekend, the repeated instructions to not be so attached to one’s thoughts, got me to looking at my social anxiety from a different angle.
Standing in a corner, watching people break off into groups to talk, engaging in the familiar habit of studying a bookshelf to look busy, I began to wonder what might really be the best way to handle my anxiety. Is it better to push myself outside of comfort zones and begin the process of habituation and exposure? Or is it perhaps better to acknowledge that this is the way I am in social circumstances and simply accept it?
There is a sense of failure that comes from continually dealing with anxious thoughts. Each time I find myself standing alone, looking uncomfortably at a crowd, I feel like I have let myself down. It is depressing to experience this again and again. The sense of failure builds each time.
So wouldn’t it be amazing to learn to stand in that spot, feel those anxious feelings, and not believe that any kind of failure had taken place? What if I could be socially anxious and yet not feel as if I was letting myself down? There would such freedom in acknowledging that I am easily made anxious and that it does not have to be such a big deal.
I tried to stay at the reception, hang around in a way that kept my standoffish manner from being obvious. I also tried to be somewhere where I could talk to people if the opportunity arose. It was difficult. Eventually, I decided to leave. And I tried to let myself feel it not as a failure, but simply a decision.
I know ultimately that both acceptance and pushing through are necessary. But it was nice to focus more on acceptance. Since realizing I have SAD I’ve put a lot of thought and energy into trying to get past it. It’s nice to know it doesn’t always have to work that way.
How do you feel about the tension between acceptance and pushing through?
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3 Responses to “Accept or Push Through?”
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April wrote on 07/28/06 at 7:19 pm :
Wow, Aaron, you have put into words exactly the internal conflict I have been having the last few months…do I accept my quiet, introverted, anxious ways or do I try to be someone different; try to push through to be more courageous and extroverted, and learn to small talk and schmooze like the socially talented do? Like you, I was telling myself I’m a failure for feeling anxious (and quiet and introverted), especially when I have uncontrollable physical anxiety or I can’t effectively hold a more than a few words of conversation with someone. It seems so easy for most people, so there must be something wrong with me.
I’ve been trying to accept my natural tendencies and giving myself permission to do one of two things at events: 1) if I’m incapable of forming a connection with others (known or unknown), either because the anxiety is too great or energies don’t vibe well for me, I go home and don’t let my inner critic accost me with “loser” accusations or the idea that I’m missing out on something; or 2) I let myself be a part of the event if the energy is good without feeling compelled to talk or interact as much as others. Sometimes I’m perfectly happy sitting on the couch, listening to others in my vicinity talk. I love listening to other people’s stories. I find my anxiety decreases when I give myself permission to just be present to whatever I’m feeling at the time.
How many of our “problems” would transform before our eyes if we stopped judging ourselves for our differences from the “norm” the same way we strive to stop judging those who are different from us?
Aaron wrote on 07/31/06 at 8:17 pm :
April:
Thanks for the comment. I’m glad the post resonated with you. Sorry not to get back to you sooner. Had my internet connection at home go out for a few days.
I enjoy sitting and listening to people talk also. But it’s often a struggle. I worry that people will notice I am just sitting there saying nothing and think me weird. It’s a relief when I’m able to allow myself to hang out without feeling that pressure.
That self-judgemental internal dialogue is very important part of SAD to be working with. I appreciated Duff’s post on what is normal for just this reason. It’s good to learn to think of SAD as not so big a deal.
Ryan Oelke wrote on 09/4/06 at 3:42 pm :
Hey April and Aaron,
I think that working with SAD (e.g. exposure, new behaviors, etc.) has to go with acceptance. I used to do, and still do on occasion, pure “pushing through” SAD, mainly before I knew what SAD was/is. I was very unforgiving of myself because I thought I was “emotionally/socially defective”. This was even more pronounced before I knew of the typology of introvert vs. extrovert, which actually validated what was geniune and authentic about my personality, nothing that was “wrong”. I also had the privilege of working with a supervisor in a department that validated and encouraged those differences. I think that’s important for introverts who also have SAD. For me, both realizing I am an introvert and that I struggle with SAD resulted in a LOT more acceptance of who I am in this moment. Accepting SAD allowed me to truly work with it and so I tend not to feel failure when I try to “push” myself. At least not failure on top of what is present with SAD by its very nature (if that makes sense).
However, I don’t think I’ve thought of simply practicing acceptance without challenging myself at the same time. I think that would be great to try….which would be a challenge itself!:P Just to go into a situation and say “Well, I’m anxious. So, what?” and not “do” anything about it.