Perfectionism, Validation, Comfort
July 19th, 2006 by Aaron
A common trait of the socially anxious, according to Painfully Shy (and The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook), is perfectionism. I see it in myself all the time. It is a hyper vigilance born of the need to avoid rejection. Anything I present to the world, no matter how small, must be so perfect that no fault can be found. This is why I rehearse so frequently anything I am about to say or do.
You can image the kinds of pressure this eventually creates.
One problem, particularly for me, is that this perfectionism is primarily about seeking validation. I crave approval far more often than I would like to admit. And lately, as I’ve been trying to look into this need, I’ve come to think that it is about comfort.
In an earlier post Duff posted a comment about the need to always feel comfortable. I recognized that it is something I suffer from. There is an unspoken thought: if I can be comfortable all the time, then I can finally be free of social anxiety.
But, honestly, the only way for me to be comfortable all the time is to be getting constant validation. And the only way I can see to do that is by making sure that absolutely everything I present to the world is flawless. This, of course, is impossible.
And, like I said, it builds enormous pressure, which eventually makes the validation and comfort I seek seem utterly unattainable. And then I am beaten by my own anxieties. Fighting my own emotions.
This creates an adversarial relationship between me and my thoughts and feelings. I knew I had this problem well before I knew I had SAD.
I’m still exploring the nature of my social anxiety, trying to see all the ways it touches my life. And I have realized that each of these three hooks will snag me again and again until I find ways to cope with them. I need to find a way to lessen my cravings for validation. I need to learn to allow myself to accept being uncomfortable. And I need to work to let go of limiting perfectionism.
As of right now they are all re-enforcing my anxious thoughts.
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Ryan Oelke wrote on 08/28/06 at 6:22 pm :
Powerful. So true for me. Perfectionism has been such a difficult obstacle, yet I know the distinct bitter taste in leaves in my mouth, know what I mean? In the past not only was a trying to do everything perfectly but I wanted to do those things which I thought others would validate and approve of. Double whammy. I still deal with perfectionism, but moving to the point of pursuing passions that resonate with me has helped.Also, not only is it not possible to be flawless, but everyone has a different idea of what should be pursued, different interests. This adds another layer of impossibility, if you will, more insanity to perfectionism. I probably already mentioned this, but it’s one of my most difficult challenges.