Duff’s Story: Progress is Possible!
July 17th, 2006 by duff
I had Social Anxiety Disorder way before I knew there was such a thing. But there is a way out, and for the most part I’ve kicked this thing called social anxiety–far more than I ever thought possible growing up.
For the first 20 or so years of my life, I was painfully shy–excruciatingly so. Hell, I peed my pants in class many, many times until early high school because I was too scared to ask permission to use the bathroom! I cried in class so often throughout grade school, middle school, and yes, even high school that I thought I’d never be socially “normal.”
I remember a particular time in grade school where I was sitting in the back row and the teacher didn’t hand enough handouts to the first person in the row so I didn’t get one. I was scared stiff and couldn’t do the simple task of raising my hand and asking for a handout. The teacher kept going with her lesson and I lost it and started crying and couldn’t answer anyone as to why, which only embarrassed me more, further entrenching my social anxiety.
At another time in grade school, I remember one day in class I found my voice and broke through my shyness while in a small group. I kept talking and talking and I was on fire! I didn’t want it to stop–it felt so good! So when the teacher called us all together again from our small groups, I kept going. I was on a roll! Until the teacher yelled at me and said “Stop it! You are disturbing the class!!” I didn’t say another word in school for years afterwards, and I developed the incredibly disempowering belief that when I talk–especially when I talk loudly and excitedly and full of passion and enthusiasm–I disturb others and make them angry at me.
I never dated, kissed, or even really talked to a woman I was attracted to until I was 18. And it didn’t stop then–until very recently (I’m almost 27) I’ve had severe paralyzing anxiety around approaching and talking to women that I find interesting or attractive.
For years I never had more than 1 or 2 close friends, and I was terrified of them ever meeting so I kept them far away from each other. I had one friend with whom I would sit in silence for long stretches, both of us terrified to speak. Eventually he would suggest that we go play video games or shoot some hoops and I would say “ok.” That was the extent of my social life for years and years.
I was absolutely terrified of parties, family gatherings, school events, performing musically (which my parents forced me to do from age 5 to age 18), and especially dancing–my family’s favorite event at weddings, and there were many family weddings in my childhood.
I have so many more stories I could tell you about the pain and suffering and trauma I’ve experienced from social anxiety, but I’m writing this to inspire you not to depress you! 
Besides, I’m sure you have your own stories of pain and humilation and embarrasment. The point is that none of these stories matter as far as your future is concerned. One of my favorite mantras comes from Tony Robbins and it is this: the past does not equal the future. In other words, what happened in your past doesn’t determine what your future is going to look like–you have a choice and you have response-ability!
You can overcome social anxiety. You can experience freedom from fear. You can develop real self-confidence and real self-esteem. You can change your false and disempowering beliefs. You can change your false and negative self-image. You can become confident, relaxed, and pleasantly social–even charismatic! I know you can because I have–and there is nothing particularly special about me. Lots of other people have overcome social anxiety, and you can and will as well.
It’s also important to be realistic about all this–I still work with subtle (and sometimes not so subtle!) versions of social anxiety. But for the most part, my life now is far freer from anxiety than I ever thought possible. In times of extreme stress, I sometimes revert to a paralyzed, anxious state. This happened to me recently and at the time it was very frightening. But I recovered rapidly and it didn’t spiral out of control like it used to.
I still use various tools to keep me on track, like to-do lists to help with procrastination, another form of anxiety. And my life certainly has its share of “problems”–but problems are a sign of life! Nowadays I have this “problem” of having so many friends that I sometimes have a challenging time keeping connected to all of them! And I have this “problem” that when I go out dancing (now one of my greatest joys in life) I attract all this attention because I’ve become so radiantly charismatic that I don’t know what to do with all the attention! Now if only I had some money problems like these….
So realize that you can change your life–dramatically and powerfully–and that you will also probably be working with some version of this pattern for life. But you can get to a place like me and many others where social anxiety is for the most part no longer a problem.
In my upcoming posts I will be writing about all sorts of techniques that have worked for me to overcome social anxiety: everything from “state management,” to reframing, to goal-setting, to EFT, to building your “action muscles.” Fire up your RSS reader and stay tuned!
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Ryan Oelke wrote on 08/28/06 at 6:11 pm :
Awesome post, Duff. Oh, man, we would share SA stories all night long, couldn’t we? I peed my pants once due to SA, I cried out loud in class…once, and never again, pushed down nice and deep, but you’re story of your teacher lambasting touched me deeply. It breaks my heart to hear such stories and I hear them a lot. It was only after my mental health training and looking at my own emotional struggles that I understood teachers rarely have the awareness of what is happening for a child. It’s not their “fault”, they simply lack the training and awareness to notice. I wish they did.
But as you say, the past doesn’t dictate our future:) thanks goodness!! I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts and ways you overcome SA.