Subtle and not so subtle avoidances
July 7th, 2006 by dashh
I wanted to post on avoidances after I was inspired by Aaron’s post on avoidance in social situations like parties, etc. Just like Ryan, as I read Aaron’s post I felt like I could have written it myself as my experiences and habits of avoidance are very similar to Aaron’s in social situations.
I would like to expand on that a little and just describe for you some subtle and not so subtle avoidance techniques that I have used the past few years. One that is not so subtle is avoiding the phone. Basically how that started was from the fear of freezing up, saying something “stupid,” stuttering and constantly worrying about what the other person on the line may think about me. I had an experience at my first job where I had a vendor call me regarding payment and I just remember freaking out and being at a lost for words and not able to speak very coherently. I made it through the call and then walked to my door where I noticed the person I was being trained by had been listening in which really freaked me out. This set up my double fear and self-consciousness of someone listening to me while on the phone and the fear of what others I’m talking to on the phone are thinking or how they are evaluating me. I still have some work to do on this avoidance as it has lingered as a favorite of mine until this day.
Some more subtle avoidances I engage in are going to the far end stalls at a bank to avoid having to deal with the teller as much, using email as much as possible rather than making phone calls, finding ways to always eat alone in my office for lunch as work, avoiding eye contact and others I’m sure. These subtle avoidances are my safety strategies that keep me less engaged with others and that keep the anxiety at a much lower level. But they just reinforce the fear and habits that keep us isolated and unwilling to move outside our comfort zone to engage our lives more.
The challenge for us who use these types of avoidances is to first become more aware of them and also look at the thoughts and experiences associated with them. Also, as a part of CBT, I try to challenge myself to be more proactive and begin to push myself to not use these subtle avoidances when possible. Sometimes it is too overwhelming, but if you can find little ways to get through some small goals it helps to build confidence. It also helps to begin the shift I think is necessary to move beyond the irrational thoughts and habits that years of the social anxiety and avoidance cycle have created within us. Do others have ways that you have been able to work on and move past your avoidances? If so please feel free to share them.
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5 Responses to “Subtle and not so subtle avoidances”
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duff wrote on 07/7/06 at 1:50 pm :
I remember as a teenager one particularly embarrassing and anxiety producing incident.
I was at the mall with my mom and we ran into a girl that I knew and I shyly looked at the ground while talking to her, in part because I was attracted to her. Afterwards my mom scolded me for not looking people in the eyes when I talked to them, which doubled the intensity of my anxiety!
Poor mom, she was doing her best!
It’s taken me a long time to be able to hold long eye contact, and then even longer to figure out when to hold long eye contact and when not to!
Luckily this stuff gets easier with practice, especially when you practice doing something you are afraid of and either consciously relaxing while doing it or consciously being courageous and confident, using your breathing and physiology (posture, gestures, facial expressions, etc) to either relax or do confidence.
Shawn wrote on 07/8/06 at 6:00 am :
Hey Duff,
I can totally relate to the eye contact thing. My problem is that when I actually do make eye contact I usually get very self conscious and then lose my train of thought and kinda blank out sometimes.
One of the things I’ve worked on is while walking in a public place trying to make very brief eye contact with others as they walk by. To up the anxiety just a tad and be more proactice I also will try smiling at a few people and then to up it even more I try to just say hello. The main thing is that being proactive and taking the initiatve really seems to lower my anxiety because I am not always re-acting to everyone else!
-s
Francis wrote on 07/11/06 at 2:43 pm :
Ohhh.. avoiding the phone is… avoiding?
I do that a lot. I hate talking on the phone. I don’t even really know why. I used to talk on the phone a lot when I was a kid. Chatted with my friends. But now, it seems when the phone rings I am in trouble about something. Just like if someone knocks on the front door.
Gus Farrah wrote on 08/1/06 at 10:05 pm :
Hey Shawn,
I just found this blog, I am starting my own online process too, I was looking for your blog, dashh at typad, but it looks like is down, are you still posting on it?
I read your section about the authors, and pretty much agree with your perspective towards Social Anxiety, I see it now as a chance of learning about the subject and maybe become an “expert” and be able to help myself and others throughout this learning experience, I am going to start my own blog.
Will like to hear from you, keep it up man, I like your writing very much, is very inspiring.
Take care, Gus Farrah.
Ryan Oelke wrote on 08/23/06 at 11:52 am :
Hey Shawn, thanks for posting this. It helped remind me to pay attention to those subtle avoidance behaviors, which I tend not to even notice, and even in reflection I don’t give them much importance. But really, all this little behaviors add up and are just as powerful for me in perpetuating my SA experiences.
I do many of the same things you and others mentioned. Often I just superificially see it as simply being “easier” rather than about my SA, which is really the case.