Social Functions and SAD
July 5th, 2006 by Aaron
Because of a perhaps overly ambitious career path choice, I’ve gone to many more parties and social functions than I’ve wanted to, which is still far less that most people in my field. I touched on this in my intro post.
I’ve developed a handful of coping mechanisms.
I usually show up late. I tend to stand in corners, preferably by objects that shield me, poles, tables, trash cans even. I like isolated spots. Kitchens often work. Balconies and patios are good. More than once I’ve shown up, gotten through the introductions, and then left to go for a walk around the neighborhood.
Any time I can get away and be by myself for a few minutes I make sure I do. It gives me a chance to get my nerves temporarily under control. If I can break an evening into pieces by taking a number of these breathers it becomes much more bearable.
Objects are useful. Concentrating on a painting or a garden, any kind of decoration, can become a good disguise. If I find that I’m stuck alone, I look for something that could ostensibly intrigue people and examine it very carefully. I assume to the casual observer this seems normal enough.
But there is also studying couch fabric patterns as a way to occupy my mind and ignore my building agitation. It can act as something of a mini breather.
One of the best outcomes is when I can attach myself, usually through one or two people involved being acquaintances, to a group in the middle of an animated conversation. If it is a topic that really has people going, I can just hang out and watch the conversation without a problem. It makes sense that I am there and only listening.
The most obvious security, and what I pointed out in my intro post, is someone I know well that I can stick close to. A friend is best. But not always feasible. If the person is a more casual acquaintance and decides they want to do their own thing then that’s that. I have to deal with it.
There are often times when I’ve gone to a social function, perhaps out of some sense of obligation or perhaps because there is somebody there that I really should meet, but that part is over or that person didn’t show and yet I’m still there. The person I came with is talking to someone else and I’m scanning the room and feeling my panic worsen.
I am standing alone, drink in hand, unsure of how to act. That’s when I began to regret having ever agreed to show up.
What kind of social functions give you the most trouble? What coping mechanisms do you use?
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7 Responses to “Social Functions and SAD”
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Ryan Oelke wrote on 07/5/06 at 9:22 am :
I wish I had something different to share, but it’s like I’m reading a post about me!!:) man, you do so well in describing experiences, to the T. I do all of the things you described, although I think I didn’t realize them until I read them, like finding objects to lose myself in. My time in residence life similarly required me to be extremely social, but I had some room there because the respected differenty types, and being an introvert I was able to not only be an introvert by to use it as an excuse for my SAD.
It’s hard for me to notice, at times, what is SAD and what’s my personality. Obviously, there are times where it’s very clearly SAD, but other times is it my personality or subtle SAD habits I’ve developed over time. When I read you post, I was like “Yeah, Aaron, I’ll go on a walk with you! Let’s get out of here!!”:) You know, hard for me to tell what that’s about, but I know I’d be there with ya.
One strange way that I cope, which makes me more anxious, is being the comedian. I tend to be know as a funny guy, the comic, and sometimes I have a compulsion to be that. Not sure how that helps me in the short term. But I know it just makes me more anxious being the center of attention.
Francis wrote on 07/5/06 at 4:16 pm :
Oh goodness I HATE going places where I don’t know anyone. Probably to the point that I avoid it. One of the few things I completely avoid. It’s okay, though, if I can take my dog with. I can talk to my dog. My dog makes conversation. It’s sooo much easier with a dog!
duff wrote on 07/5/06 at 4:37 pm :
Yea it’s tricky to figure out what behaviors are neurotic or avoidant and what behaviors are just normal social stuff. To some extent, everybody uses random shit to break the ice and make smalltalk, and often parties are only smalltalk. And then there’s the fact that everyone to some extent feels weird in unfamiliar social situations.
It gets especially tricky if you hang out with therapists and other such people on a path of growth, because they will often label your normal and healthy personality style as neurotic and compulsive…and at one level they are right, and at another they are dead wrong. It can really mess with your head, as I know from experience….
Even though most people consider me to be extroverted nowadays, I still usually avoid parties like the plague. I’ve become pretty good at managing them and being social when I need to be, but it’s just not something I enjoy as a primary activity. I could say this is due to social anxiety since I do feel some anxiety typically at parties, but that seems like a real stretch of the terminology. But even then it is subtle and tricky, because it’s all too easy to avoid some social situations out of fear…so it’s a constant practice to check in and feel whether it is fear or simple preference!
Aaron wrote on 07/6/06 at 5:42 pm :
Ryan:
Someone willing to take a walk with you can be incredibly helpful, which was why it was nice to sometimes have an understanding friend along. Even if they didn’t explicitly understand what was going on, they were usually happy to humor me for a while. I’ve also developed the habit of using humor, usually fairly cynical or sarcastic, to release tension. Interesting.
Francis:
I’m with you. If I could have taken a dog along I’d have done so in a heartbeat.
Duff:
At this point I’d have a really hard time trying to pick apart what is SAD and what is just my personality. Might be an interesting exercise. I am introvert. But how much of that is because of anxiety? With social functions the intensity of discomfort is enough that I know SAD is playing a big part. Then again there are other things that used to give me a fair amount of anxiety that I eventually got somewhat comfortable with (like being on the phone all day at work). It’s a tricky topic.
duff wrote on 07/7/06 at 1:57 pm :
Aaron:
It sure is tricky to tease apart, but also necessary to inquire int–to prevent what I sometimes see in myself: a new neurotic behavior of wanting to ALWAYS be comfortable in any social situation, and if I’m not totally comfortable, getting uncomfortable with my discomfort, which spins me out into anxiety! Oh the webs we weave….
I happen to know that most extroverts are extroverted because they fear being alone. So the other trap that labeling a set of cognitive-behavioral patterns something like SAD is that you end up labeling a huge percentage of the population with DSMIV psychological diseases. This can create a cultural meme that “everybody is f*cked up” or a fiction that there is something called “normal.”
But of course if you feel you have SAD, then there is a real problem that needs addressing. It’s just good to keep it in context.
duff wrote on 07/7/06 at 2:00 pm :
…the context being that while we might all have some version of social anxiety, people who apparently do not have social anxiety might have “being alone anxiety.” So our problems might be related to a gift that we all share (I love being alone reading for hours for example) that others don’t have (my sister for example hates reading and gets “bored” very easily when alone, but loves parties).
This reframe has helped me to escape from the trap of thinking I’m “f*cked up and others aren’t,” while also acknowledging that I’ve got certain areas that could use some improving.
Aaron wrote on 07/8/06 at 3:03 pm :
I am definately guilty of wanting to always be comfortable. And then getting agitated because of my inability to be so.
I’ll have to remind myself about, “being alone anxiety.” It’s an interesting way to see it. I am very happy to spend hours alone reading or writing or just hanging around.