Initial Overwhelm
June 29th, 2006 by Aaron
When I finally picked up and read Painfully Shy: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life (which I would recommend to anyone) I was floored. I was not expecting to have so obvious a case of SAD. I felt an immediate sense of relief. Here finally was a chance to see clearly what was going on.
But when I started to talk about SAD, when I started a journal to examine my history and record incidences, something shifted. I realized I was not dealing with isolated anxious moments but a constant presence. I began to feel overwhelmed.
I began to see just how much anxiety I have, how often I am avoiding situations and people. I saw how much of my life has been curtailed, how many of my ideas about myself and other people are seen through a prism of SAD.
Realizing the extent of my anxiety was causing me anxiety. It was a feedback loop.
I realized that even if I could push through one situation or get comfortable with one particular set of people, when faced with something new I was just going to have to go through it again. It made me want to be around people even less. It made me want to avoid things even more and never push through.
And it got stronger still. I was anxious all the time. It was an unrelenting background hum. And not only was it always present, now I saw that it always had been. I’d just been refusing to fully acknowledge it. This thing, this anxiety, this disorder, is a massive part of who I am. It is why I have always had jobs I am overqualified for, why I’ve had so many troubles with relationships, why I have not gotten nearly as far in life as I had once hoped or thought I would. It is an anchor.
That was difficult to accept. I didn’t want so much of my life to be about anxiety.
And the people I told about SAD could see how talking about it was making it worse. I couldn’t try to explain it without it flaring up.
I was overwhelmed.
But these conversations, one in particular with a fellow sufferer, were eventually what brought my overwhelm under control. And it has made me believe it is vitally important to keep talking.
Because no matter how overwhelmed I was feeling, I kept up the conversations.
The act of talking about SAD, even as that act freaks you out, is a major step forward. It feels like the beginning of really learning how to push through SAD, instead of learning to push through each instance. My SAD screams at me to stop telling people about it, and as I continue to talk, and send emails to a fellow sufferer, and tell a handful of people things I have never told anyone, I am continually learning to press on despite that screaming.
The acts of talking about SAD, writing about SAD, and describing the internal landscape of SAD are all acts of pushing through. Each is a small victory over the voice that tells you to shut up.
Posted in Aaron, Diagnosing, Introductions, Social Anxiety|Subscribe |
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4 Responses to “Initial Overwhelm”
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William Harryman wrote on 06/29/06 at 8:35 pm :
Thanks for this post. I have a client who could use the book you mention, as well as a copy for me.
Peace,
Bill
Aaron wrote on 06/30/06 at 6:49 pm :
Very cool. Thanks for the reply. It is a great book. The Social Anxiety Workbook by the same people is just as good. It’s listed on our resources page. I have both.
Francis wrote on 07/5/06 at 4:07 pm :
I don’t mind talking about my SAD. However, it seems like most people just don’t get it. And sometimes when I do tell people I have SAD, they look at me like I have some weird spots all over my body.
Aaron wrote on 07/6/06 at 5:45 pm :
I’ve had trouble with people having a hard time wrapping their minds around it. Lots of, “Why don’t you just not worry about it,” type questions. It can get frustrating. Probably a good thing to pick carefully who you really get into discussing it with.