Anxious Living

Aaron’s Introduction

June 22nd, 2006 by Aaron

I have always known I was shy. I have always had trouble getting to know people. I have been ribbed, gently and not-so gently, for being the quiet one in any group.

I have called myself socially awkward, introverted, nervous.

I have long listened to an internal voice, asking, “What will people think of you?” It reminds me not to stand out and never to risk looking foolish.

Sometimes I might think I want to speak up. It could be during a class or any kind of group discussion. I rehearse what I will say over and over, feeling tightness build in my chest, feeling my breathing get shallow. Sometimes I sweat. Sometimes my nose goes numb. Usually, I never get around to asking the question. But I burn with a wish that I could.

I’m frequently unable to attend parties or other social occasions unless I know there will be someone I can stick close to. Only this makes me feel a little pathetic. I fear people will wonder why I am so strangely attached to one person. Even worse are the times when that person eludes me and I find myself standing in a crowded room, talking to no one, holding a drink. Wanting to escape, but fearing that my escape will be noticed. Wanting to escape, but also desperately wanting to be able to walk up to someone and start a simple conversation and enjoy what everyone else is there to enjoy.

I live in fear of disappointing people, convinced that one screwed up encounter will turn them against me. I dread saying the wrong thing. I am jumble of fumbled sentiments around anyone that I admire and wish I could know better.

Shopping in a busy store makes me agitated. Having to find a seat in a crowded theater touches a nerve.

I have often felt that if I did not get my act together I could never be happy or have a normal life.

And while I have seen people behaving in ways that made me think they must be feeling some of the same things I do, I have also never gotten over the ingrained idea that the only difference between me and most people is that I am doing a really bad job of dealing with my fears.

I have always thought those things listed above were personal failings. And I have a always believed they must be visible to all who interact with me. Realizing that they are symptoms of social anxiety has finally begun a process of learning to deal with them constructively.

I can breathe easier, knowing they might not be flashing signs alerting all to my ineptitude. I can stop searching for stories to tell myself about why other people often make me so uncomfortable. And I can be a touch less judgmental about my own behaviors.

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