Social Anxiety 007: Meet Ryan
June 20th, 2006 by Ryan Oelke
(Please note, our introductions will be a bit longer than the average post).
Social anxiety is not always noticeable from the outside. There’s a lot of truth in that for me. Given my work and educational experiences, and personal interactions and relationships with co-workers and friends, it’s interesting that most have no idea I struggle with social anxiety and wouldn’t unless I told them. A few might have some idea that I’m a little “shy”, but most tend to think I’m a sociable guy who is also a bit of a recluse, a very reflective type of person. That’s true, but it’s not the whole picture. No where near.
Social anxiety is like background noise in my life, some times almost inaudible, and at others screaming so loud I can’t think or see straight. The low intensity times I’ve gotten so accustomed to that it’s just “normal”, but when I think about it, it’s obvious and I wish it were different. Going to the grocery store or shopping, making personal calls to businesses, ordering takeout, are examples. No major problems, but there is a very subtle uncomfortableness.
When my anxiety is screaming, I’m almost incapacitated. Those times are more rare, but they do happen. My counseling practicum experience in graduate school was one of those times. Our class was very small and we were being pushed in a very personal, but appropriate way, in working with our clients, in trying to become more effective therapists.
Everything about it was terrifying for me: small group, vulnerability around emotions, perceived performance situation, criticism, and confrontation. To top it off, this is a group of people trained to be sensitive to emotions in others, and I absolutely do not want them to see my social anxiety. Every class was completely draining and filled with anxiety. A big part of me wanted to run far away and crawl in a hole. In one sense the experience most likely led to me realizing and understanding that I was experiencing was social anxiety.
I have a hard time confronting people or being disagreeable, especially when it’s more directly personal. It’s not that I never confront or disagree – I do avoid plenty, though - but that when I do, the whole process is filled with fear and anxiety, the thought that I’ll be rejected, or that my ideas will be considered unworthy, less than. I worry about saying things just the right way, hoping to avoid any anticipated embarrassment or misunderstandings. I spend a great deal of time rehearsing in my head, which happens with all situations regarding my social anxiety.
The more intense my social anxiety, the more I worry that others see that in me, and that they will label it weird, weak, or abnormal, and in the end I will be rejected. This creates a pattern for me where I will try and avoid engaging the situation, which is particularly true when I meet someone for the first time – and I want them to like me – and when I’m in a large group, especially if I don’t know anyone. Avoiding for me could mean not going, or holding back tremendously about myself, being very reserved, and the whole time being on edge, anxiously trying to censor myself.
Making new friends is pretty difficult for me, though I’ve made great strides over the last year. The beginning of the relationship is where I struggle. It’s so hard for me to open myself up to the other person for fear of being rejected or saying something stupid. I’m so concerned about those two things that I am never simply me, which makes it difficult for the other person to get to know me. All of that results in either the relationship never even getting off the ground or never deepening. Not making friends like this tends to lower my confidence, which simply feeds back into the anxiety.
Lastly, social anxiety impedes upon my abilities to pursue my passions. With anything I’ve ever done, I always take, in part, the role of others and anticipating how they perceive me. I’ve always done well at whatever I undertake and I have strong motivation to succeed for the love of what I’m doing and for it’s own sake. The problem is that social anxiety brings hesitation into the picture, holding me back at times from pursuing life to its fullest, or if I do, the process is tainted with fear.
After graduating with my master’s I finally realized and understood that I struggle with social anxiety, even though I’ve always “known”. I picked up the Social Anxiety Workbook and did several sessions in a brief period of time with a graduate student who was in practicum. So much power and relief came from simply understanding what the hell was going on for me, normalizing it because I was/am not alone, hope because there was a way to work with and overcome social anxiety.
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Ryan Oelke wrote on 06/22/06 at 8:51 am :
Also, please read Aaron’s introduction, as his epxeriences are very similar to my own.
Joshua Hughes wrote on 07/29/08 at 6:53 am :
Hi there,
My name’s Josh. I have an anxiety blog which has been claiming a lot of success, especially on facebook. I’ve been following your blog and would like you to look over mine, in the hope that we can link ours.
You will see from my blog, that they are every similar.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Josh Hughes.