Fundamental Distrust
I keep going over my insecurities, my anxieties. I pick them apart in a journal I keep on my laptop. Each time I get anxious I try to take a look at exactly what is happening to me, what caused the anxiety, what thoughts are attached, what is my reaction, anything I can learn.
One thing that keeps coming up, even in the smallest of moments, is that I fundamentally do not trust myself. It started as a flash of insight, a kind of recognition of the obviousness of something I had been dancing around for some time, and grew form there. Over the last few weeks I have begun to understand just how many parts of my life it affects.
April 18th, 2007 by Aaron
Appropriateness for a Third Time
What I wrote about in my last post (trying to avoid any actions that might make those around me uncomfortable) applies equally well to my reaction to other people. People that seem to behave inappropriately for whatever kind of group they are with make me very uneasy. I get uncomfortable. I feel embarrassed for that person and embarrassed for the people around them, who have to react to what they have done.
Some part of me wishes deeply that I could somehow stop or prevent their behavior. If I could, I’d make it so that no one ever does anything embarrassing, so that no one ever acts inappropriately.
March 31st, 2007 by Aaron
More on Appropriateness
I’ve been thinking a bit more about the idea of appropriateness. Another aspect of speaking in particular ways to particular people is the fear of speaking or acting in a way that is outside of an established relationship.
In each of my relationships, I put a lot of effort into making sure I do not make whomever I am with uncomfortable. I try not to say or do anything that might seem, even mildly, out of place.
A simple example brought this home recently. I was out hiking with a group of friends. A man stopped to ask us for directions.
March 22nd, 2007 by Aaron
Appropriate
Lately, I’ve noticed a certain quality to my social anxiety: appropriateness. I put a lot of effort into always trying to act appropriately. Where I got my ideas about what is appropriate is probably worth exploring. But I won’t be doing that just yet. I wanted to take a couple of posts to point what I have noticed.
The first has to do with how I talk to people.
March 8th, 2007 by Aaron
Confidence
I’ve long had this pattern where, staying up late into the night, I get excited about the possibilities of life. I think of all the great things I might do: people I could talk to, places I could go, goals I could achieve. Just anything. And then in the morning I wake up and know that all the dreams of the night before were foolishness. For the longest time I thought this was a normal thing, a pattern that must be familiar to everyone.
Now, finally, I am beginning to relate to it as anxiety.
February 22nd, 2007 by Aaron
Brief Update on Slow Motion Social Anxiety
I went to the show I wrote about last week. And I wore the shirt. And, believe it or not, nothing happened. No one pointed and laughed. No one stared. Other western shirts were worn, though few as colorful and glorious as mine.
So, what is the lesson to learn?
February 8th, 2007 by Aaron
Slow Motion Social Anxiety
A few posts ago I wrote about how I believe there is an aspect of repressed excitement to my social anxiety. Just recently, this played out in a unique way. I was able to spot the pattern because it happened in slow motion.
There’s a concert coming up, one of my favorite artists. And there’s a shirt I recently purchased. I have a thing for retro-style western shirts. But they tend to be a bit… loud… flashy… colorful. And this one is of the more extravagant variety, similar to these examples (though, no, I was not lucky enough to pick up a Rockmount).
February 1st, 2007 by Aaron
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